Bigger Than Jesus

I'm in a Beatles Phase. I tend to cycle through Zeppelin/Dylan/Radiohead/Beatles Phases with some minor obsessions in between. I think it has something to do with the tides. This may not come as a surprise to anybody, but the Beatles made some pretty good music. Oh, and McCartney was better than Lennon.

Beatles:

"Hey Jude"
"Strawberry Fields Forever" (also Ben Harper's cover)
"For No One" (also Elliott Smith's cover)
"Tomorrow Never Knows"
"Carry That Weight"
"Get Back"
"Blackbird"
"Eleanor Rigby"
"Taxman"
"A Day in the Life"
"Getting Better"
"In My Life" (also Johnny Cash's cover)
"If I Needed Someone"
"Drive My Car"
"Let It Be"
"Hello, Goodbye"
"Yesterday" (apparently this is the most covered song in history, but I can't find mp3s of any)

Paul McCartney:

"Maybe I'm Amazed"
"Ever Present Past" (brand new, great single)
"Band On The Run"

John Lennon:

"Working Class Hero" (also, Green Day's and The Academy Is...'s cover)
"Mother"
"Jealous Guy" (also, Elliott Smith's cover)
"Imagine" (definitely not A Perfect Circle's cover, that is pretty terrible)

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SparkNotes on the Life of Patrick Liam Griffin:

I.) I completed my 2007 Spring semester with passing grades
i. Research and Dysphagia: two B's
ii. Practicum: A
II.) I moved back to Plymouth two weeks ago
i. great to see my family, dog, and 2 out of 3 cats
a) the third cat is a dickhead, sheds everywhere, and never shuts up
I. I give him a kick in the butt whenever I can
ii. basement flooded in March and mushrooms were growing in my room
a) new rug finally put in and as of last weekend I have a bedroom
III.) I'm working 5 days a week at New Bedford Rehab Hospital and (for the most part) enjoying it.
i. I was dressing up and wearing a white labcoat, but I've decided on scrubs
ii. 45-minute, scenic drive
iii. class in Worcester twice a week 4-7
a) burning some serious petrol
IV.) I'm working weekend mornings at Plymouth Country Club
i. I'm "The Rough Guy"
a) sitting on the biggest mower we have and driving around in circles
A. good to be back
i. not making much money
a) but, making enough money to break even on gas
V.) I've got noticeably fatter.
i. 25 pounds since August 2006 according to my doctor
a) also increased blood pressure, apparently
A. grad school sucks
ii. however, I'm going to my old gym again after several months of injuries, and slacking
iii. living on SlimFast and protein shakes
a) I love Hydroxycut
VI. I am very, very disappointed about the Celtics' lottery.
i. Greg Oden would have saved this franchise
a) Kevin Durant would not have
ii. We better hope for Corey Brewer
a) if he's there at 5
iii. We better get Yi
a) if he's there
VII. "24" better get its act together next year
i. Jack Bauer fights zombies!
a) "24 Days Later"
A. my idea, don't even think of taking it
ii. NO MORE NUKES
a) correction: nuke Chloe, then NO MORE NUKES
VIII. The Office finale was great
i. Jim needs his old hair
a) A Halpert without the indie shag is scarcely a Halpert at all
ii. I secretly worry about next season
a) Ryan as Michael's boss would be absurd


All for now. Peace.

iMix 4/21

The semester is winding down so I don't have a lot of motivation to write in this, but here is some new and old music that's been surging through my ear buds lately:

The Hold Steady "Chips Ahoy!"
The Decemberists "The Crane Wife, Part III"
Wilco "At Least That's What You Said" "Monday" & "Hate It Here"
Nine Inch Nails "Zero Sum" & "Survivalism"
Nirvana "About A Girl"
Oasis "Cigarettes and Alcohol" & "Acquiesce"
Golden Smog "Red Headed Stepchild"
Radiohead "Let Down"
Rush "A Passage To Bangkok"
The Shins "Caring Is Creepy"
Soundgarden "Rusty Cage"
Thin Lizzy "The Rocker" "She Knows" & "Jailbreak"
Neil Young "Tell Me Why"
Red Hot Chili Peppers "Charlie"
Bruce Springsteen "Atlantic City"
Bloc Party "Helicopter"
St. Vincent "Now Now"
Black Sabbath "Electric Funeral"
Led Zeppelin "Ten Years Gone" & "The Rain Song"
R.E.M. "How The West Was Won and Where It Got Us"
Jimi Hendrix "Born Under A Bad Sign" & "Hear My Train A Comin'"

Desert Island

I was watching The Office episode "The Fire" the other day, and Jim was quizzing the employees about their "desert island" movies, or the movies they would be watching for the rest of their lives. I always love these activities but I tend to think a little too seriously about them. Nevertheless, here are some ideas for movies, albums, and books (Keep in mind, I have an iPod loaded with hundreds of albums, tens of audiobooks, and space for a few movies. These things are fun! It's like one of those MySpace quizzes that only girls take the time to fill out):

MOVIES

I don't think I've seen enough classic movies to really make a commitment, but I'm getting there. I'm evolving.

My all-time favorite movie is Swingers, so that's a given. A great Guys movie with Vince Vaughn at his smooth-talkingest and Jon Favreau not weighing 350 pounds yet. This movie changed my life. Single-handedly brought the phrase "you're so fucking money and you don't even know it" in my rotation of quotes sophomore year at college.

I suppose I would need to have one of the Godfathers, but Part I or Part II? Part II is an absurdly long movie and you get two stories out of it, so that would take up some time. But I think the original is a superior movie. I'll take Part I.
I'm looking at my DVD rack and not seeing a lot of classics in there, besides The Departed, but I'm pissed because the DVD doesn't have a director's commentary. What movie doesn't have a commentary track at this point? Isn't that a prerequisite to make a DVD nowadays? Especially a Scorsese film?

I have a problem with buying very bad movies that I only like ironically, like How High and Pootie Tang. I'm trying to kick this habit, but it's like heroin. They seem like such good ideas at the time.

I put the list of AFI's (the American Film Institute, not the semi-shitty band) 100 Greatest Movies on my Netflix queue. I'm in a Scorsese phase right now so I've watched Taxi Driver and I'm waiting for Raging Bull, Mean Streets, and Goodfellas, but I've been able to watch Citizen Kane, On The Waterfront, and A Streetcar Named Desire. These are all good movies, though I thoroughly enjoyed Citizen Kane. Considering it is regarded as the greatest movie ever made, I think that should make the cut by default.

Anchorman never ceases to make me laugh, so it's definitely coming along. I still quote Ron Burgandy, Champ Kind, Brian Fantana, and Brick Tamland all the time, months and years after other people moved on to Borat lines. Anchorman just does not stop being funny to me. I watch it every time I'm down.

So I'm bringing my all-time favorite movie in Swingers, two legitimate classics in The Godfather and Citizen Kane, and a ridiculous, quotable movie that gets better every time in Anchorman.

ALBUMS

My first choice, without question, would be OK Computer by Radiohead. Like most of the music I'm into right now, I've only really been exposed to/acquired a taste for it in the past 6-8 months. Simply put, I think this is the greatest album ever recorded. It is a flawless work of art that flows together perfectly without one song that I'm not heavily moved by in some way (except maybe "No Surprises" which I really like but don't love). Even the album art is great, it fits the theme perfectly, just a weird blue/green wasteland.There is never a time where I don't feel like listening to OK Computer.

However, I think the follow-up Kid A is almost as genius, and upon checking on my iTunes play counts, it actually has more spins the OK Computer. Neither are very uplifting, but since Kid A is pretty hypnotic and tends to put me to sleep, it will have to stay home. OK Computer keeps my attention for each song, just because it rocks so hard.

I read somewhere that you should pick an album you don't really understand, something really avant garde. Often with records like that, it takes many, many listens before you "get it." There are sort-of-weird albums I didn't like when I bought them at the time in middle school or high school (Pearl Jam's Vitology, Tool's Lateralus) that I love now, because I have grown as a music fan. I'm gonna need something that will take a while. I'm gonna need something really weird.

I'm taking TV on the Radio's Return to Cookie Mountain. This is an album I bought last fall after reading countless reviews calling it the "new OK Computer" and every critic having it at the top of their Best Of lists for 2006. As stated about 70 times already, I love OK Computer, so I bought it. But, as much as I try, I just don't get it yet (except "Wolf Like Me," and "I Was A Lover," which are legitimately awesome), despite possibly having the greatest album title ever imagined. I try to like it, because I feel smart when I understand something like this, but so far it ain't happening. Return to Cookie Mountain is just flat-out weird most of the time, but maybe over a period of a couple years it will "unravel itself" and I'll think it's genius. Or maybe that will be the sun poisoning.

Most people would assume I would take a Coheed & Cambria record because I don't shut up about them, but this is not the case. I used to think long and hard about which one I would take because I go back and forth about which one I think is the greatest (again, I've put far too much serious thought into this desert island game). But my conclusion is this: while I have periods of time where I think that no other band has ever made great music, I also have periods of time where I just can't take it. It's not love/hate relationship, because I will always love them, but enough can be enough. Coheed & Cambria has reached the point of diminishing returns. Until they come out with something new and great (hopefully soon!), Co&Ca need not punch their ticket.

I'm going to have to keep this island On N' Poppin', so some hip-hop is in order to preserve my sexy. Jay-Z's The Blueprint. This is another great, great album. A lot of classic rap albums feel dated to me, such as Illmatic or The Chronic, and I think rap albums in general are more just collections of songs rather than true "albums" with common themes throughout. The Blueprint doesn't really get old for me, and its theme is evident: Jay-Z is way, way more awesome than you or I shall ever be. Produced by Kanye West before he became insufferably annoying and overrated as a rapper, it's his best work. The album is not marred by any guest appearances other than Eminem on "Renegades", who, as Nas said in "Ether", murdered Jay on his own shit. That verse made me love Eminem. I like Rolling Stone's summarization: "If Frank Sinatra ever made a rap album, he would have made The Blueprint." Whenever I listen to it I feel like I should be wearing a suit smoking Cuban cigars. However, I doubt I'll have access to these luxuries. The suits will be worn by monkey butlers.

Every desert island needs an obligatory Led Zeppelin record, because every desert island needs to rock. I'm taking Physical Graffiti over anything else in the Zepalogue. This might be considered cheating because it's a double album, but I think you get the most bang for your buck. It's got "Custard Pie," "The Rover," "Kashmir," "Sick Again," "In The Light," "Trampled Under Foot," "The Wanton Song," among others. It's a pretty heavy record, and even though it's not technically their best, it is the last great Zeppelin album. My favorite Zep album is III and Houses of the Holy is probably the best over all, but I enjoy listening to Physical Graffiti the most. It makes me feel like summer, which I bet living on a desert island is pretty much summer all the time.

So, to summarize: OK Computer, Return to Cookie Mountain, The Blueprint, and Physical Graffiti. That's a pretty good selection, I think.

BOOKS

Books, I don't know. I've never really read that much. I guess I would take anything by Chuck Klosterman, probably Killing Yourself to Live, but hopefully by the time I go to the island he would have put out an anthology or boxed set of everything and I could sneak that aboard the boat/hydrofoil. He's definitely my favorite writer, as most of you can tell with my constant quoting and away messages. While his Esquire columns have kind of sucked lately, Klosterman is still a genius.

Since I'm on an island, I'll have time to amass complete world knowledge. I'm sure this is cheating too, but I would take The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything and The New York Times Guide to Essential Knowledge. I love almanacs and I love The New York Times, and there's gotta be some shit in one of those about building a raft.

I should probably take an old classic. War and Peace is apparantly good, and I think it's like 6,000 pages or something. That will kill some time. Ah fuck it, just mail me my goddamn Esquire.

Tom Waits Is The Man

If you've never heard of Tom Waits, he is a singer/songwriter who has been around since the 1970s. I have only recently discovered him within the last 3 or 4 months, but he's great.

Be forewarned: his voice is not for the faint of heart. He is essentially a grizzled old man who sounds as though he's making fun of another more grizzled old man while singing. But he's just really cool. I've got about 5 or 6 of his albums (these are the benefits of sharing music with middle-age hipsters at work), and my favorite is his latest, "Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards" which is a collection of B-sides and greatest hits separated into relatively up-tempo bar fight music ("Brawlers"), ballads ("Bawlers") and I guess just random studio recordings ("Bastards"). My favorite by far is the "Bawlers" disc, because it's odd and yet strangely comforting to listen to an old wino sing about broken hearts and empty bottles. I picture Barney Gumble singing for brandy in that Simpsons with Sherry Bobbins. If you can get past his voice (which I now really like), he's a great songwriter. It's mostly blues and acoustic guitar, piano, and some horn, maybe an oboe? What's the jazz horn that isn't a trumpet or saxaphone? Whatever it is, this is perfect whiskey music and I could definitely see him playing in a bar with 3 people in it at 2AM. This is pretty much his material:

"Give a man gin,
give a man cards,
give him an inch,
and he takes a yard."

According to Wikipedia, his voice sounds "like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months and then taken outside and run over with a car."

And if you listen to Toucher and Rich on WBCN, he could be mistaken for the immortal Chili Guy. He's that drunk, and he's that grizzled. Tom Waits is The Man.

That pretty much sums it up. He's made his way into my regular rotation, particularly on these dreary winter days. He's worth at least couple of iTunes purchases.

Hovtober and Clipsember

A draft of a blog I wrote in December:

Two albums that need to be reviewed: Jay-Z's Kingdom Come and Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury.

Jay-Z is getting blasted for his new album, and in my opinion, the criticism is largely unfair. No, it isn't The Blueprint, and not really close. I would not call it a classic or even "great" record. But Kingdome Come includes some good songs ("Oh My God," "Kingdome Come,") some very good songs ("Show Me What You Got," "The Prelude") and some songs that have the right to exist "Do U Wanna Ride?" "Trouble"). Yes, some terrible songs made their way onto the track list ("Lost One," "Anything"), but let's not go nuts here (and by "let's", I suppose I mean the internet rap bloggers who don't read my blog and my two friends that listen to rap music). Young H-O's rapping is, again, in my opinion, as good as he has been in the past few years, a Black Album-type flow. The faults lie in its production and choruses (I still think "Show Me What You Got" is his best lead single maybe ever, despite what everyone else seems to think). Production is 90% of the reason why an album is successful or not, which is why 50 Cent's Get Rich or Die Tryin' sold so much, not his average-at-best lyrical ability. I would have hoped that Jay-Z's album would have had better production than it does, but there are enough lyrical punch lines and typical HOV swagger to satisfy me. But, what did anyone expect? Any highly-anticipated comeback album is always going to suffer the same fate: Expectations that cannot be met. Just ask Eminem. Encore is the second-worst album I own, behind Nas' Nastradamus.

Jay-Z Kingdome Come: 3.5 stars

On the other hand, Clipse's new album, Hell Hath No Fury, has greatly surprised me. I had read reviews calling it a classic, XXL Magazine gave it their highest rating, Pitchfork, a notoriously ruthless website, gave it a 91. I never really listened the Clipse before, but based on those reviews I had to pick it up. Sometimes, musicians--rappers, rock bands, pop stars, or whoever--only seem to exist within a vacuum of the lower third of the TRL countdown. I think the best example I can think of to describe this view is Jet. Jet is an Austrailan rock band that sounds like they are from the 1970s. Granted, there are numerous Austrailian rock bands that sound like they are from the 1970s (Wolfmother, um...ok, one other band), but I don't consider Jet to be a real band. I have heard many of their songs and I assume that they both write and record those songs, and had probably played them in Austrailian dive bars before being signed to a record deal, but they seem so constructed that I cannot picture them as existing as real human beings. I can't picture a Jet concert. I can't imagine a Jet interview. I can't even fathom members of Jet eating a bag of potato chips. The songs are pretty good too, but never would I consider buying a Jet album. Other artists in the Vacuum Category are Sean Paul, Akon, that Natasha Bettencourt/Bettingfield character, and Clipse. It's not to say that those occupying the Vaccuum were bad, inauthentic, or any other descriptor of being "fabricated by the music industry" (if I remember, that "Unwritten" song was pretty catchy). I just can't picture them existing as real human beings who do real human things.

Clipse no longer belongs in the Vaccum. They have graduated to "real human being" status.

This is one of the best rap albums in a long time. There is not one song on Hell Hath No Fury that I would describe as less than "very, very good." I know that Pharrell saves most of his good beats for Clipse because they were friends in Virginia, and there are some bangers here. The real surprise is how well Clipse rhyme, and what they rhyme about.

A large percentage of their lyrics are about selling drugs and the money they have made from selling said drugs, but this is no unique part of rap music. However, the brothers then rap about relatively obscure European cities Oslo, Frankfurt, and Cologne (Cologne?? I've only heard about that place from my art history class sophomore year!), Salvador Dali paintings, Oliver Twist, and former World Championship Wrestling CEO Eric Bischoff. This was unexpected. This album is very strong all the way through, and even Slim Thug and Pharrell's guest rapping don't do any damage. This might be the OK Computer of rap.

Clipse Hell Hath No Fury gets count'em, * * * * *, 5 stars out of 5.

New Year's Resolutions

[Blogger's Note: I did not edit this, so I apologize.]

Another year is upon us and it has the potential to be one of the greatest in recent memory.

My reasons are as follows:

1. I am waking up every morning at 4:30AM (give or take) to go to the gym. This way, I don't have to drag myself to lift in the evening, which happened maybe twice a week for the past few months. I'm setting my new coffee maker to start brewing at 5, and I get up a little bit earlier every day. My goal is to be up at 4:30, and at the gym at 5. So far, I enjoy this very much. Last year for a few months I was in the habit of going to the gym as soon as I woke up, but once I started working at Tatnuck again in the spring, I couldn't bring myself to continuing that trend. This year, though, is different.

2. I have a new job which I neither love, nor hate. I am an Administrative Assistant (er, receptionist) for Victory Productions, a publishing company in Worcester. I still don't completely understand what exactly Victory Productions does, but they give me money, so those are just details. I sit at a desk all and make phone calls to their clients, count words on pages, and make copies. An interesting note about this place which many of you already know, is that Victory is owned by a family of South American Scientologists with its head honcho and namesake, Victoria. The company is about half-Hispanic, and I'm told that they are all related to Victoria in some way. A Scientologist army that size is not to be reckoned with. Everyone at Victory is nice, but it is also a cold, sterile, serious place. I haven't decided whether or not I will go back to Tatnuck in the spring, but for a few couple hours a day the publishing industry isn't too bad. I might stick with it.

3. I may have finally solved my organization troubles. I've taken the time this winter break to fully clean out my apartment and set of a system of in-boxes and out-boxes for all work that needs to be done. For the last month of last semester, I used a pack of notecards and a binder clip ("the hipster PDA") and that helped me to get things done right away. I will continue to use this in the spring, but I've also filled out about 4 calenders (including the neat little "rainlander," google it) and planners. I know I've said this kind of stuff every year of my academic life, but I'm going to get things done right away. I'm even washing my dishes the second I'm done using them. Hopefully paying attention to these little things will keep me on task for the big ones.

4. I've conquered a fear of the phone. I believe one of my old posts was called "The Phone and Why I (Expletive) Hate It." Now that I'm a receptionist, I have to use the phone a lot. My main assignment for the month has been to call all the company's clients and verify their contact information. I was given a list of 1,300 people at big production companies all over the country and a phone. I was incredibly nervous at first and I hesitated in making most of the initial calls, but in the past month just from being forced to work on it, I can make them with no hesitation and with decent fluency. I think my fluency improved greatly during the fall thanks to group therapy and a better grasp of stuttering modification, and for my first few weeks at work it really showed. Then, I called some asshole at some business I've never heard of who started giving me crap about talking a little slower on the phone, and it flustered me. He said he would transfer me to someone else, and when he did that I hung up. I was embarrassed, and following that call, I struggled with speaking for a couple weeks. I don't want to say that this instance was the cause of my increased stuttering, but I was having a lot of success before and it went downhill after that call. I'm willing to acknowledge a correlation. Unfortunately this time was also over Christmas and New Years', so it was disappointing to not succeed in controlling it. Everything is just now starting to click again. In any case, the phone doesn't really bother me much anymore.

4. My outrageous spending is now in control. No more Dunkin' Donuts, no more Cumberland Farms between classes, no more iTunes. Unless I have a gift card, I'm not spending a dime on any of these things. I've always had an issue with failing to see how little expenses add up, and this is a way of fixing that. Subtracting the little things means I can buy more big things, e.g., my new video iPod, a nicer wardrobe, automotive repairs, shiny things for my better half, etc. So far it's been a good deal.

So, these resolutions combined with some anti-resolutions (watch more TV, tip less on checks at restaurants) have helped to start off 2007 as the greatest year ever. I hope everyone has a great one too.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm understandably disappointed by the Patriots' loss to the Colts in the AFC Championship, but I'm not jumping off a bridge. I need to remind myself that before Tom Brady and these recent Superbowl years, Peyton Manning was my favorite player dating back to his days at Tennessee. I owned his neon orange #16 Volunteers jersey, which is throwback-worthy at this point. I remember almost punching a hole in a wall when Charles Woodson won the Heisman Trophy over him. I played NCAA Gamebreaker '98 and threw for over 6,000 and 70 touchdowns with Peyton. We were boys.

Then Tom Brady showed up and won 3 Superbowls, creating a rivalry between the Patriots and the Colts. I think peoples' hatred of the Peyton and the Colts is akin to peoples hatred of Derick Jeter and the Yankees when Nomar in Boston and still a great player. We always want our guy to be better than the foil who gets more media praise. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm over my Jeter and A-Rod Hating simply because we don't have anybody who can compete with them, at least at their positions. But I'm probably being too rational.

Peyton is a great player, always has been, and has suffered through enough to deserve a trip to the Superbowl. The Patriots had chances to put the Colts away and didn't. I'm still plenty upset about how the game turned out, but it was the Colts' time. Good luck, old friend.

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iMix:

Arctic Monkeys, "A Certain Romance"
At The Drive-In, "Quarantine"
The Beatles, anything from Abbey Road
Ben Harper, "The Drugs Don't Work" "More Than Sorry"
Bob Dylan, "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away"
Clipse, "Mr. Me Too" "Wamp Wamp" "Chinese New Year"
Death Cab for Cutie, "Soul Meets Body"
Elliot Smith, "Son of Sam"
Fiona Apple "Tymps"
The Game, "One Blood"
Led Zeppelin, "No Quarter" "In The Light" "Bring It On Home"
Lupe Fiasco, "Hurt Me Soul" "Just Might Be Okay"
Motion City Soundtrack, "My Favorite Accident"
My Morning Jacket, "I Will Sing You Songs"
Pink Floyd, anything from the "Wish You Were Here" album
Radiohead, "Pyramid Song" ""
Smashing Pumpkins, "Bodies"
T.I., "Undertaker" "Top Back"
Thom Yorke, "The Eraser"
Tom Waits, "I Hope I Don't Fall in Love With You"
TV on the Radio, "Wash The Day Away"
Wolfmother, "Dimension"
Young Jeezy, "I Luv It"

Singing Sad, Sad Songs

In a Rolling Stone blog today, it was reported that a group of English scientists have determined that "The Drugs Don't Work" by The Verve is the saddest song of all-time. This was decided by measuring blood flow and brain activity while subjects listened to songs on headphones. This is, of course, insane. That is a pretty sad song, but there are much, much sadder. Considering this blog has pretty much degenerated to a list of the songs that I like, here is my list of the saddest songs that I've heard:

"Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton
"I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay
"How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" by Al Green
"Charlene" by Anthony Hamilton
"Nutshell" by Alice in Chains
"Brick" by Ben Folds Five
"Streets of Philadelphia" by Bruce Springsteen
"Little Wing" by Jimi Hendrix
"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd
"Morning Yearning" by Ben Harper
"High and Dry" and "How To Disappear Completely" by Radiohead
"Black" and "Come Back" by Pearl Jam
"My, My, Hey, Hey" by Neil Young
"The Scientist" by Coldplay
"This Brilliant Dance" by Dashboard Confessional

Any others?

iMix Update

Quick update to my iMix because a few more songs have been on heavy rotation:

Deftones, "Hole in the Earth"
Ben Harper, "Faded/Whole Lotta Love (LIVE FROM MARS)"
Thom Yorke, "Harrowdown Hill" and "The Clock"
Boy Dylan, "Highway 61 Revisited"
Led Zeppelin, "Out on the Tiles" and "Achilles' Last Stand"
Gnarls Barkley, "Gone Daddy Gone"
John Mayer, "Stop This Train"
Jimi Hendrix, "Little Wing"
Dave Matthews & Warren Haynes, "Cortez the Killer (LIVE)"
Roger Waters, "Comfortably Numb (LIVE from the Berlin Wall)"
Radiohead, "Airbag"

iMixes Are Fun

Since my iPod is about to shuffle off this mortal coil any day now, this is the current playlist I've been bumping in the 'Stang until I buy a 30-Gig iPod Video over the winter. Consider this the Griffty Cent iMix for November 2006:

Ben Harper, "Morning Yearning" & "Alone"
TV on the Radio, "Wolf Like Me"
Wilco, "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" and "War on War"
The Beatles, "And Your Bird Can Sing" & "She Said She Said"
Radiohead, "Sit Down, Stand Up," "How To Disappear Completely" and "Sail to the Moon"
Bob Dylan, "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" and "It Ain't Me, Babe"
Rick Ross, "Push It"
Coheed & Cambria, "Everything Evil" and "The Willing Well IV: The Final Cut"
Jay-Z, "Show Me What You Got"
The Prizefighter Inferno, "The Going Price for Home"
John Mayer, "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" and "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"
Gnarls Barkley, "Just A Thought"
Josh Rouse, "Nothing Gives Me Pleasure"
Led Zeppelin, "The Immigrant Song" and "Custard Pie"
Lupe Fiasco, "Pressure"
Pearl Jam, "State of Love and Trust (Live)" and "Inside Job"
The Raconteurs, "Level"

Nevermind...

See, this is what I'm talking about when I say "bipolar disorder."

After a couple good sessions with each client, my attitude and self-image as a clinician have, as my case manager told me today, done a 180. Tuesday's session was great, as I utilized my improvisation skills by bringing a bunch of toys for the whole class to play with, in addition to wearing a Halloween mask. My client loved it and it was hands down the best session I've had yet. This morning's session, even though my client didn't show up, was very good in that I was able to give a lot of language stimulation to the other children and read them books I had prepared for my client. I've always thought my best clinical skills would lie in my ability to interact with children and make things fun for them. I think that is really starting to show.

My case manager told me in our meeting today that "you had a slow start, but once you got over that hump, you just took off," I have been "200% better" and that I have "certain gifts and skills that other clinicians do not." She acknowledged that I (and she, too) am the type of person who learns things when I strategically need them, as opposed to being able to apply directly what I learn from class. This is something I've always thought, but never wanted to mention it because I looked at it as an excuse for not performing. She even told me that I should consider looking at grants to do work with the preschool population. Doesn't this seem a little bit different than my thoughts from just a couple days ago? It's funny how success and getting better at your job can contribute to your attitudes. I've gone from Fredo Corleone to Michael Corleone in 2 days.

In other grade-related news, I scored 100% on my research article for fluency, a 96% on the corresponding presentation, and my big case presentation last night earned me an A- (though it could have been a solid A had I remembered to give my professor a copy of my research). I didn't think the case presentation was very good, but if she gives it an A-, I'll take the grade and the confidence boost. Let's see how I manage the rest of semester. I'm not expecting anymore Doomsday posts.
-----------------------------------------
On Halloween, I bought the new Coheed & Cambria DVD, "The Last Supper," which is very good. Co&Ca is my favorite band of all time (though Radiohead and Led Zep are closing in fast), and this DVD is very good at showing why they are such an amazing band. I don't know if this is a better show than "Live At The Starland Ballroom" in terms of most of the performance (since Claudio can't harmonize with himself, Travis and Mike backing up his singing is just awful, and made great songs like "The Crowing" and "Ten Speed' lose some of their luster. Still, "The Final Cut" is amazing and showcases Claudio's and Travis' guitar virtuosity. They constantly tried to one-up each other's solos during the last song (Though, Claudio working overtime on his "I'm so good at guitar" faces was pretty odd. He's more animated than he used to be during shows, but I think I liked the reclusive Claudio who hated talking to the crowd better). The interviews sprinkled throughout DVD were a little disappointing and misleading ("Behind the Scenes Interviews with Claudio!" was a bit of an overstatement). A highlight of the show occurred during the bridge of "Everything Evil" when a giant dragonfly (the size of 10 men, I tells ya!) flew over the audience on wires while the band stopped playing, before going into the always awesome "JeeeeSAAAAY" part. All in all, the "The Last Supper" gets an A-, or a 91 on "Reeking-Of-Awesomeness Scale." The stage show was great, the songs had a newer, fresher sound, and Claudio and Travis had a good old fashioned guitar duel. Plus, it's a bargain at $13. Definitely worth a look.

I also bought Claudio's new solo album under his alias, The Prizefighter Inferno. The album, My Brother's Blood Machine, is an acoustic and electronica side story of the original Co&Ca plot, and it's pretty good. "The Postal Service meets Coheed & Cambria" is an accurate description, and I give it a B+, or an 88 on the R.O.A. Scale. I'll tell you, that Puerto Rican can write good, catchy songs as well as anybody in the game, but still manages to make it a very weird experience. The CD packaging is very cool, as the lyrics come on tarot cards. However, something feels off about the album. Maybe I'm just not used to the combination of folk music and minimalist techno, but it is taking me time to really like the music part of it.

This is a very obscure (and very stupid) reference, but the album sounds the way the cover of Led Zeppelin III looks, if that makes any sense (sorry, I'm channeling my inner-Chuck Klosterman). That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever written in this blog, but that's what it sounds like to me. My Brother's Blood Machine should hold me over until at least the next Coheed album drops.

That's it for now, peace.

Shine On You, Crazy Diamond

That was a worse retirement than Jay-Z's. I'm sorry, I'm back.

I am convinced that I have developed or acquired some mild form of bipolar disorder.

At least once a day, I am overcome with feelings that I have chosen the wrong profession, and this scares the shit out of me. After a couple hours of inner monologue, I calm myself down, realize that I have a better handle on things than I think I do, remember how I always overreact about everything, and smarten up.

I'm taking three classes this semester (stuttering, neurogenic speech disorders, and clinical practicum), I've got two clients at two different preschools in the Worcester area that I see once a week (been there for 6 weeks) and I'm screening hearing in elementary schools for the little childrens (two down, one to go). I'm still working a couple hours a day at Tatnuck, and then it's off to the old schoolhouse for the rest of the day and early evening.

It's accurate to say that I am struggling right now. I enjoy the two kids I work with right now and their classes are always entertaining, but I still feel lost most of the time and my confidence in what I am doing comes and goes. I bombed my first neuro exam, yet I think that can be salvaged fairly easily. I assume I'll do well on my fluency midterm (it would make goddamn sense) that has been delayed so long that it should be called "Chinese Democracy," but who knows. My case manager has told me that I have been making progress and my sessions get better and better, yet she also informed me that I am picking things up slower than the other clinicians. I always walk into a session thinking it will go terribly, and I walk out of it thinking I am the greatest of the great. I can't make up my fucking mind about how I am doing. Essentially, when I describe to people what exactly I am doing in grad school, I am completely talking out of my ass, yet it tends to sound halfway intelligent.

What worries me the most is not the fact that I am not a expert yet, it's that I don't find genuine interest in most of our field. I am interested in stuttering and stuttering alone. Some day I will have a private practice and specialize in fluency, but that will not be for a long time. Today in fluency class, we had a guest speaker who was a regional director of the National Stuttering Association. He talked about his past therapies and how he has improved over the years. Listening to him talk reminded me of why I am in this profession. Unfortunatly, so much of speech-language pathology is child language and articulation, and I flat-out don't like it. For years I had assumed that once I began working with people, that attitude would change. "Wait until you get into clinic, you know more than you think you do. You'll love it!", they all said. That has not happened. I feel that I know less than I thought I did, and I certainly do not love it. I hope some day this all changes. Maybe with time and experience it will, but right now I'm not thrilled.

So what are my options for changing these feelings? Basically, I can suck it up and be a man. Grad school sucks a fat one for everybody and there's nothing noble about suffering through it. I've got friends doing braver things than I'll ever do, (namely Dan Teles, History's Greatest Hero building houses in New Orleans) so I should shut up now. Time to take off the dress and end this tea party.

---------------------------------------

Surprisingly, despite the disdain for my profession right now, my stuttering during my sessions has been a non-factor. I thought that would be the main problem going into this year, but in the 21.5 hours of therapy that I've accrued so far, I have counted only 3 times where stuttering affected the session. I practice on and off, but for most of the time I have been able to control it. I've leaned more towards stuttering modification techniques in those situations rather than fluency shaping.
I'm fluent in the times where I need to be fluent, and that's all that matters to me.

Aside from school, the rest of my life ain't bad. Work isn't bad, the Patriots keep winning, the revamped Celtics are about to start, and I am completely head-over-heels in love. I've taken a real shine to politics, Radiohead, wine, cooking real food (celebrating my 100th fleeting hobby of the past year!) and classic movies. I actually kind of feel like an adult.

Now if I could only start acting like one in school.

Summer Ramblings [edited]

Once again I have returned from the blogging dead like The Phoenix (except less evil and more controllable. More on that in a bit).

[this portion of the blog has been removed for clinic confidentiality reasons. I am hereby using that mind-eraser thing from Men In Black and Men In Black: 2 to erase your collective memories.]

I have come to the conclusion that summer classes totally suck all. Nothing like sitting in a class on a warm summer's night only to come home and go right to bed because you've got to wake up at 5:30. I should be grilling, drinking, and watching baseball, damnit.

My landlord has been giving me guff about using the air conditioning, which is great considering it's about 130 degrees at all times in my apartment. He thinks I will burn it out by using it too much and that I should be "judicious in my use." So his idea was to leave the doors and windows open for circulation. In an ironic twist, a raccoon came in through the open door one night and ate a bunch of food from his kitchen and leaving my apartment untouched. Pat 1, George Evans, 0.

Work at ol' TCC has been about the same lately. Nothing major to report, except I think my shitty approach mowing has finally granted my wish of never sitting on that damn machine again. I'm back atop my throne on the precious fairway mower. As long as my iPod is charged and my coffee cup is full, I'll sit on that thing all day. Never leave me, baby.

I've been experimenting with the idea of getting a SLP-assistant job, which would pay more for less hours during the fall and would actually reinforce all the crap I'm learning at school. However I don't want to feel overwhelmed when clinic starts. Tatnuck is so flexible and corrupt in terms of hours that it might just make more sense to stick with what I've been doing. I'm still keeping an eye on the wanted ads for openings in the area, at least to call and see what they would want me to do. To actually feel like what I'm studying will be my job would be a welcome change.

"X-Men: The Last Stand" unexpectedly kicked an enourmous amount of ass. The reviews I read said that it lacked a real story and was only big on effects, calling it "flat." In my opinion, the story was better than either of the first two movies which were fantastic to begin with, and it was far more emotional. There could have added more recognizable mutants, particularly Gambit, but Beast was a good addition and Jean Grey's Phoenix was flat-out frightening (as you can tell by the picture). I also loved the little rivalries set up between Iceman and Pyro, or Storm versus Callisto. The end made it look like there would be another movie, but I think this should be it. I don't see the point as they have exhausted all good plotlines. Mutants have fought against themselves, humans, and now humans again. I don't see any other way they could go that wouldn't just be a rehash of the last two movies. Hopefully the Wolverine spin-off won't be beating a dead horse.

I am quickly becoming a rock star on the guitar...sort of. I know pretty much all the chords and am starting to get the hang of scales. I can do a nice little bluesy scale with a bend at the end that sounds pretty good. When I was home for July 4th, Molly taught me "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana and "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. I am getting the hang of both of those and it feels good to actually be playing songs rather than just practicing chord transition. Reading tabs is getting easier, too. In time I can see myself getting pretty good and having this as a real hobby I can go back to.

That's about all that's been going on in Worcester. Hopefully I can update this more often than every 2 months, but no promises. Peace.

Dear Summer...

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to step to...

Bad joke, sorry.

It's been over a month since I've written here. Between finals, work, and my new guitar (which I suck at), I've had very little time and little motivation to write in this. Maybe I am just out of stuff to address, or maybe I just haven't given any real thought to stuttering in a while, but the least I can do for my minions is update the goings-on of my life as of late.

Graduate School: Year One is over at long last. My grades are posted and I got an A- in Diagnostics (the hardest, most time-consuming course), a B+ in Aural Rehab and a B in Adult Language Disorders. I definitely worked hard this semester (though 90% of my focus went to Dx, the other two classes really were afterthoughts) and it payed off. In terms of class difficulty, I think the worst is behind me. However, the 800-pound gorilla (see right) known as "clinical practicum" is still lurking.

Starting May 22nd, I have four classes this summer, all in the evening. I take two 1-credit electives (though I'm not really sure about the actual dates. When I checked online it says I have them at the same time, but that couldn't be). After a few more weeks off, I take two more classes for 1 credit and 3 credits. I've worked a lot of hours in the past couple of weeks at the easiest job in the world and once class starts I don't expect to miss any time. Tatnuck Country Club is a diamond mine of awesomeness. Last Friday everyone left at noon because of the rain and I decided to stick around, paint a couple rocking chairs and read a book until closing time. I just like being allowed to lock up. It makes me feel so responsible. (By the way, if you ever want to steal mowers and shit, I leave the key under the tire near the front door.)

Speaking of responsible, I've decided to start my own mini landscaping business in my area on Saturdays and Sundays. I've printed up fliers advertising "affordable, expert care of lawns and gardens" complete with my marketable tattoo as a logo. Dr. Larrivee already said she has a big mulching project and I'm hoping she spreads the word to her neighbors. If I can get 6 or so lawns (3 on Saturdays, 3 on Sundays) for $30-$50 each, that's at least an extra $200 per week. Granted I drive a Mustang, but I figured out how to fit a mower from work into the trunk. Nick (the assistant at Tatnuck) said I could even borrow his monster F-350 truck if I needed it and that I could help him out with his side projects as well. By borrowing all the equipment from work, I'll save on capital until I can afford my own mower. As I've said a million times, Tatnuck Country Club is the greatest place on earth if you want to come in late, screw around, play golf, play poker, smoke weed (I don't smoke weed, but if somebody wanted to, they could) without reprecussions, AND get punched off the clock hours after you leave. Even the 50-year-old gardener drinks cans of Busch down by the dump at 9 AM. Someone was telling a story of how a kid got fired from there, and for the life of me I can't figure out what could possibly happen that would warrant a firing. I've narrowed it down to either: 1) doing donuts on the greens in a cart, or 2) stealing Rob's last handful of bacon.

Needless to say, I will have almost no free time this summer, and I consider that a good thing. I've been much happier since being back at work, and with summer classes and side landscaping projects on the horizon, you are looking at one rich, happy boy. I sometimes look back at all the things I used to be afraid of when I was younger, namely, speaking with other people and trying anything new, and I think I've made so much progress regarding that recently. I'll be dealing with clients and parents next year and I'm starting a small business where I'll be dealing with people I don't know. It might not seem like much, but they are still really big steps for me. Onward and upward.

As usual, stuttering has been up and down. These past few days have been hard and I can't seem to get my timing down on my breathing. That takes practice, which I am still out of. I know that I make the most progress when I make fluency the focus of my life like I did last summer. In my current situation and atmosphere I have no desire to do that. From the people I've met at support groups, the happier people tend to be the ones who stutter severely (and I mean SEVERELY) because they accept who they are. In a way, speech therapists are the enemy.
Still, I need to be ready for the fall. When I talked to the clinic director a few months ago to talk about having therapy this summer, she said she would put me in the pool and let me know. I haven't heard back anything yet, so I don't know what that means. I'll stop by sometime soon and see what the deal is.

I've seen 2 movies recently: Silent Hill and Poseidon. Silent Hill rocked and scared the absolute bejesus out of me, namely because the one known as "Buckethead" was back with his big cleaver in midseason form, ripping this girl's skin off and throwing it against a church door. If that isn't bad ass, I'm not sure if anything is. The guy (or whatever he is) just stomps people all day and night. Menacing.

Poseidon was pretty good, but very short (90 minutes) and had no character development at all. The movie was essentially: Boat. Wave. People trying to get the hell out of the boat. I never saw the original version so I can't compare it. It was pretty intense and one of those triumph-of-human-spirit deals, but I don't know if I would've seen it without free movie passes. Silent Hill, a triumph-of-Buckethead deal, will be a DVD purchase the day it comes out.

That's the breakdown. Enjoy your week.

Recent Transpirings: April 8, 2006

I woke up this morning and thought, "I should get around to making that podcast I've had on the back burner for about 6 months." In a couple hours I had it recorded (actually sounds decent) and published via Libsyn. I've also created a separate blog specifically for the podcast. It's essentially the script that I read during recording, but I didn't think what I would be talking about on this blog and what I would be talking about in the podcast would always match up, so it's an entity unto itself. The new blog's URL is http://PodcastPWS.blogspot.com and the podcast itself is named "A Podcast for People Who Stutter" as opposed to the unbelievable cheesiness of "Fluencycast." You'll notice that the title of this blog is once again "My Stupid Mouth" though the URL will remain http://fluencycast.blogspot.com because it's a pain in the ass to go through the process of changing that.

I want to keep the podcast and accompanying blog as simple as possible. You'll also notice that the smarmy ramblings of the Pat Griffin you know and love is replaced with the "Hello everyone, my name is Patrick and I've created this podcast blah blah..." generic Pat Griffin. The template is stripped down and I want to keep the entries short. This is probably the best way to get this whole thing started. My Stupid Mouth will be the home to the more personal side of how stuttering affects my life (as well as graduate school updates and terribly misguided sports predictions) whereas Podcast PWS will be a more general, professional-sounding journal.

The first podcast recording is about 4 minutes, with a clip of "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer as my intro music. It's an introduction to why I've started this and I give a little background about myself. For future episodes I am planning to talk about news in the stuttering world and other issues in short 5-10 minute segments. I'll cover topics like Tiger Woods' 60 Minutes interview, developments of the stuttering medication Pagaclone, and any new therapy techniques I read about. If I used Libsyn properly, they send out all my information and RSS feed to iTunes, Yahoo Podcasts, and other podcast centers automatically and they should be posted in a few days if not sooner. Once they are posted, I will send emails to everyone at the Yahoo groups to try and do some advertising. I'm definitely excited for this now. I've been sitting on this idea for months and after a few false starts, it should be off the ground, only taking me several hours this morning.

So that's the podcast. As for other news, school is going well. I got my first real "A" for an exam after a semester and a half of "B"'s. Unlike last semester I won't be tight-rope-walking the 80-line. This semester has not nearly been as hard as the fall was, but there is much more tedious work, especially for Diagnostics. After several weeks of working to get individual and group projects finished, this next week shouldn't be too bad. I've been bringing my laptop to class for the past month or so and I have to say, I don't know what I did without it. In undergrad there was always "that guy" who brought his computer to class and he was always a nerd who I wanted to punch. Graduate school seems very different in that respect as everyone brings theirs. Sure, I pay attention less, but my notes are neat and I can type a hell of a lot faster than I can write. I get all the notes I need and when I get bored, there is always ESPN.com and MySpace. I tend to zone out in Aural Rehab and Adult Language Disorders (which I would be doing without the computer anyway, at least this way I have something to do) but in Diagnostics I'm too afraid to do anything but raise my hand and pay attention.

I am starting work back at Tatnuck Country Club on Monday (finally), this ending my financial hemorrhage. I definitely didn't think I would spend as much money as I have over the past few months since being laid off, but let's just say that after one paycheck I could double what currently occupies my bank accounts. Scary.

Frankly, I'm getting kind of sick of living in Worcester. As nice as this apartment is, my landlord gets on my nerves (the single most eccentric man I've ever met) and I try to avoid conversation with him at all costs. I don't need to hear how "his constitution is not well" when describing his food poisoning and what to do if I ever get it. Nor do I need to hear about what to do in case "we should meet our demise" when talking if he and his wife die while I'm living here. I don't care. Just ridiculousness when dealing with this guy.

Stuttering lately has been a little below the norm. Ups and downs as usual, but I think the podcast will really help that. Just today I've practiced for the first time in a while and I think the more I focus on the podcast the more motivated I will be to put the effort in more routinely. Especially with presentations coming up and my routine drive to work in the morning, I can get back into a groove.

Enough for now, make sure to check out that other blog and be on the lookout on iTunes if you see my name. Peace.

The Telephone and Why I (expletive) Hate It....and Spring Break

Spring Break has finally arrived! As Young Jeezy would say, "YEEEAAH!!!" And how am I spending my time? Getting a tan? Checking out a wet T-shirt contest? Anything fun with these two girls on the left?...Nope: morphosyntactic analysis. Christ, even last year's expedition to Colonial Williamsburg and the Coca Cola museum in Atlanta had more pizzazz than this. I'm not too coherent right now and I don't feel like editing, so deal.

I figure I might as well get as much work out of the way as possible with the time I have off. I called my boss yesterday and he told me that he can't have me back at the golf course until the first week of April, so I have to ration whatever money I have left until then. That way I can work as much as humanly possible and start to rebuild my checking and savings accounts. If I get my homework done now, I figure I can work more than the 30 hours a week that I was working in the fall. I'm always happier when have something to do and have money in my pocket.

One of the other assignments we have this semester for Diagnostics is to give 4 different stardardized tests to different age groups (preschool, school-age, adolescent/adult, and one more of our choice). I was smart and got two adult tests done the first two weekends of the semester, which has left me with the two youngest age groups left to finish before April. I finally reserved the tests I need for this coming weekend and I intend to borrow a couple of my younger cousins. I've had the phone numbers for their parents and I have been avoiding making the calls all semester.

For most, if not all, people who stutter, the telephone is probably the most frightening part of life. Not to get all pitiful, but not much hurts more than being hung up on because the person you called didn't realize there was someone on the line or thought it was a prank call. It's damn frustrating and after years of avoiding the phone, using it regularly becomes difficult. In my field we often talk about the benefit of visual aids to auditory information, especially for people with hearing loss. If they can look at the person speaking, they can pick up visual cues to help them understand the message. I think that often works the same for me. If I am speaking to someone in person and I stutter, at least they can see that something is going on and maybe gather what I'm trying to get across, whether it's at a restaurant or line to order something and I can point to something on the menu (I always come back to the food-ordering), but when I am on the phone, especially with someone I don't know, I don't know what they are thinking and the situation becomes very awkward. I've gotten past some of those things, especially with ordering food. I often refer back to the unspoken agreement between Ethan and I about weekend pizza delivery: he would call, I would go downstairs and pick it up. Junior year I was forced to do it myself once when he was out and I've been able to since.

My cell phone is the single most useless piece of electronics that I own. I have the cheapest plan Verizon offers at 300 minutes per month and I bet I barely touch 30 of them. I will literally go weeks without making a phone call. Granted, I don't have as many phone calls to make that most people do. I try not to order food anymore (in the interest of saving money), I talk to my mom over instant messenger a few times a week and I go home often to see the family, I don't have a nightly call with a long-distance girlfriend, or anything else that most people use their little folding silver blinky things for. This past weekend I left my phone and jacket at Dan and Karen's, and I was debating picking it up whenever the next time I happen to be there. When I came to get it, Karen said "That must have been horrible, a weekend without your cell phone." Until Dan called my house on Saturday, I don't think I even realized it was missing.

Sometimes people will call me and leave drunk voicemails or just to chat, and instead of picking up, I often let it ring and call back later. A more likely scenario would be that I wait until they are online and IM them. It's not that I am afraid of the phone, it's that it's a pain in the ass. I'm not afraid of calling my friends and family, but it takes so much effort that I get no enjoyment out of the process of talking to them.

Calling a girl for a first date has always been hell, too. When I get numbers I try to get their screenname as well, just because it's easier, and I don't care if it seems unorthodox. If I want to make a good first impression, it tends to go better through typing, despite the fact that girls prefer talking on the phone. I have a better chance of coming off well over instant messenger than I do on the phone. I think I'm playing the percentages. I tend to get the third degree from girls when I say I wait a week before I'll make that first call (because 2 days is normally industry standard, according to Swingers), but the truth is, I wait so long is because it usually takes me that long to work up the balls to go through with it. Like I said in the past, it's hard to seem cool and confident when you can't get a word out. I know girls will say "it doesn't matter if you stutter, if she likes you, she'll like you no matter what" and I've found that to be true, but when you are in the situation it feels different, especially when you are just meeting someone. Other guys can at least act the part, but if I'm nervous at all, it will show big time. I'm trying to think of a time when I just made a call in a reasonable amount of time without really hesitating (maybe Jenny?) but I know they are few and far between.

Personal life and woman issues aside, my biggest problem is going to be making phone calls in clinic to make and confirm appointments. I find it funny that the parts of the job that other people probably won't give a second thought to are the ones that scare me the most. I will be practiced and prepared in the future but I don't know how those will go, especially if I know I'm just going to rile myself up by getting worried. I've been reading more and hearing through different people about how antidepressants and anxiety medications can be used to reduce stuttering and I'm curious about that. I took Lexipro for a few months junior year and I don't remember how that affected my stuttering. If I don't remember it probably didn't help much. Though, I don't really think I got any benefit from that medication considering I was on the lowest dosage (other than being able to get drunk off one beer), but perhaps I would have better luck with another kind. I'll have to talk to my doctor about that, because I want to make sure things go well. The mood boost and improved focus couldn't hurt either...

In other news, my NCAA Tournament brackets are toast. I had a good first round, picking 72% of the games, landing me in 4th place. But one by one, upsets occurred and now I'm left with 8 teams left in the Sweet 16. I'm stuck in 50th place and no money in sight. Ohio St., one of my Final Four teams, was upset by Georgetown. I was wrong about BC and Gonzaga, and even though UConn is still alive, they are playing without a "sense of urgency" as the analysts say and will lose in the Final Four. Rudy Gay will be a lottery bust, I can tell you that. LSU's Glen "Big Baby" Davis is immediately one of my new favorite college players (in addition to J.J. Redick and Tyler Hansbrough) with an even better nickname. Big Baby! My revised, non-binding national champion pick is Villanova.

Till next time.

Recent Transpirings and March Madness

(Note: The date says 3/9 but I started writing the draft then.)

I wanted to update some things that have been going on, and just for kicks and the fact that I had pictures laying around, a picture of Cadbury my trusty guinea pig, Greta thinking about eating her, the man-child known as Tub Cat, and if you haven't seen the Mustang yet, that, too.

I've skipped the last three Toastmasters meetings because of midterms, papers, and projects (supplemented with Tiger Woods 06 and NBA Live 06), and considering I should be starting work soon in the next week or so (provided Rob calls me), I'm not sure if I'm going to go again for a while. The meetings I went to were nice, but because of my schedule and my dire need for money (and they started asking for dues), it might not be worth it. If I have a Monday off here and there I'll go, but it probably won't be a consistent thing. It's a shame but in a sense it wasn't really giving me the feeling I thought it would. I guess speaking in front of people was not as frightening as I thought. It's the little things like introductions and phone calls that bother me. In any case, I had a nice time, met some nice people. I know a lot of people who stutter are so afraid of speaking in public, and the people I told about it seem to be very impressed. At least I'll always have my "Best Speaker" ribbon and trophy pictures. Hopefully I'll be able to stop by in the future for a brush-up.
Other things:

One of our assignments for Diagnostics was to administer a standardized vocabulary test to someone in front of Dr. Larrivee for her to grade our skills as a diagnostician (to the layperson: someone who gets money to give and grade standardized tests). Since we were not allowed to give the test to someone in our program (we are supposed to be familiar with the test and would throw off results), I had my dad drive up. I was happy that he was so eager to come up, and my mom came also and we went out to lunch after.

I was surprised with how well I did. I prepared for hours earlier in the day memorizing the difficult words (especially "terpsichorean"). I had a couple of small blocks, though my major problems were that I pronounced a couple words incorrectly (namely, "indigent" as "indignant") and that I let my dad know which ones he got wrong by telling him "good job" when he was right and saying nothing when he was wrong. Dr. Larrivee gave me 10 out of 10 (which is great because I heard she makes most people do it over) and she told me overall I did very well. But the thing about Dr. Larrivee is, even though she always seems to give a decent grade, she will still criticize the hell out of you (I am still having my Vietnam flashbacks of last semester when she told me one of my literary reviews was filled with "good points, marred by bad writing, poor grammar, and terrible organization." She gave me a more-than-acceptable 83). She told me that my stuttering worries her because she has noticed more problems lately--which there certainly have been-- and that by the time I get into clinic in the fall I need to be better prepared because, as she so delicately put it: "I don't want there to be any reason for you to fail clinic." ....Are you friggin serious? Fail clinic?! That was something that hadn't crossed my mind as a legitimate scenario. I figured it might aggrivate my case manager and confuse parents from time to time, but I didn't think my clinic grade would be affected. Even with my perfect test administration score and the fact that I know when I apply myself that I can control my stuttering, I left that day feeling like shit. Later that evening I ended up going home for the weekend to spend time with my family and Greta and see if I could get back to feeling normal. Sometimes I feel like I can take criticism, and other times I cannot. I'm going to have to have a thicker skin by the time I'm in clinic. I don't want to be shaken easily, especially having to deal with an additional obstacle that the other grad students do not.

Needless to say, I talked to Ann a couple days later and had her put me in the pool for summer clinic sessions. She said she wasn't sure if there were open spots and she couldn't guarantee me anything. I'm gonna be scared shitless of not being prepared so I know I'll work as hard as I can whether I'm getting therapy or not. I never really thought it was weird to have a grad student clincian when I was at UMass, but to be getting therapy from a girl in my program who is in the same classes as I am might be an awkward experience. Whatever they want me to do, I'm down with. Just don't fail me in clinic, for christsake.

My last midterm is Thursday, 4:30-7:30, so once that is over I'm heading back here to get hammered and watch the start of the March Madness. I've been filling out my brackets and I have high aspirations. Two years ago I ran roughshod over everyone in my dad's office pool and had the damn thing won before the Final Four had even started, and this year I expect to do the same. So far with my first draft my Final Four is UConn, Duke, Memphis, and Ohio St. with UConn over Duke in the championship game (I think you can pencil in Ohio St. for national champions next year once Greg Oden gets there. Yikes, he is one large 18-year-old-who-looks-like-he's-pushing-40). I have Gonzaga losing in the round of 32 because that's just what Gonzaga does. Adam Morrison is a great player but the Zags never do anything in the tournement. I don't take Boston College seriously in the tourney either, because they always lose in the round of 32. Those two teams seem to be fashionable picks, and whenever everyone leans toward a team like that, go the other way. I don't have a lot of big upsets other than those two and a couple 9's over 8's, but it's still a first draft. There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a 12 over a 5, and this year my pick is Kent St. over Pitt. I'm gonna need that $250, so let's go Rudy Gay and the Huskies!

Remember, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.