My Stupid Mouth...

In Case You Haven't Noticed

2007-11-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

I don't update this blog anymore. I started a training log a couple of months ago, and I've now switched that to WordPress. I mostly write about my training now, but I'm touching on anything I can think of. Check it out here.

Billy Corgan, Smiling Politely

2007-07-19T19:03:00.000-04:00

I will forever be a Billy Corgan apologist.

I forgot about them from about 1997-2006, but the Pumpkins were a pretty phenomenal band back in the day. Siamese Dream is my second-favorite album from the 1990s behind OK Computer, but it's far more enjoyable to listen to. In hindsight, it's probably one of my desert albums as well. I think it's better than Nevermind and completely blows Ten out of the water. Radiohead's The Bends is pretty great, but it's not as varied or creative as SD. While Radiohead and Nirvana were the most important 90s bands and Pearl Jam has been the most consistent over the long haul, the Smashing Pumpkins were the greatest (again, except for OK Computer-era Radiohead) band during the decade. 80% of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is astonishing (though the other 20% is pretty terrible, it totally falls apart at the end). The first 6 songs off that album might be one of the 5 greatest opening album sequences of all-time. Corgan's guitar playing is startling, from the riffs to the solos. For those two albums, Corgan was a certifiable genius. It's a shame that Adore, Machina, and Machina II are not very good albums despite flashes of brilliance.

Chuck Klosterman wrote how SP should be considered classic rock by now but they aren't because people hate Billy Corgan. He's an egomaniacal, insecure control freak who yearns to be relevant. However, I think that's part of what makes him awesome. The fact that Billy Corgan publicly insults and alienates members of his own band because they aren't up to his standards is just about the coolest thing I've ever heard. When he criticizes his fans for not buying the new albums, I think it's perfect. A crazy rock god is supposed to be a self-indulgent nut (even if that means sharing residence with Courtney Love).

So, based on the aforementioned, I'm psyched about the new Pumpkins album, Zeitgeist. I've got about 4 or 5 songs and they are pretty good. "Tarantula" and "Doomsday Clock" rock pretty hard, and a couple of the others are at least decent. I just think it's great to have ol' Nosferatu back in our lives. At LiveEarth he snidely remarked that people should buy the album instead of downloading it illegally "just like they did with all of [their] others." You tell em' Bill, I've only half-disappointed you! I still think the comeback could have been perfected if he grew his hair back (assuming he still has some). Billy looks too much like Voldemort for this incarnation of the band. For Mellon Collie and Adore, the skeletal monster-look worked because there was a ghoulish quality to those albums. I think if Billy wanted people to embrace him and his band again and travel back to 1993, he should have at least made the effort to look like a normal human being.

In any case, welcome back, Billy Corgan. We are in your debt.

"Disarm"
"Cherub Rock"
"Quiet"
"Today"
"Hummer"
"Mayonnaise"
"Silverfuck"
"Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness"
"Tonight, Tonight"
"Jellybelly"
"Zero"
"Here is No Why"
"Bullet with Butterfly Wings"
"Bodies"
"1979"
"An Ode to No One"
"XYU"
"Ave Adore"
"If There is a God"
"Doomsday Clock"
"Tarantula"
"Whir"
"Frail and Bedazzled"
"Landslide"

Bigger Than Jesus

2007-05-29T18:01:00.001-04:00

I'm in a Beatles Phase. I tend to cycle through Zeppelin/Dylan/Radiohead/Beatles Phases with some minor obsessions in between. I think it has something to do with the tides. This may not come as a surprise to anybody, but the Beatles made some pretty good music. Oh, and McCartney was better than Lennon.

Beatles:

"Hey Jude"
"Strawberry Fields Forever" (also Ben Harper's cover)
"For No One" (also Elliott Smith's cover)
"Tomorrow Never Knows"
"Carry That Weight"
"Get Back"
"Blackbird"
"Eleanor Rigby"
"Taxman"
"A Day in the Life"
"Getting Better"
"In My Life" (also Johnny Cash's cover)
"If I Needed Someone"
"Drive My Car"
"Let It Be"
"Hello, Goodbye"
"Yesterday" (apparently this is the most covered song in history, but I can't find mp3s of any)

Paul McCartney:

"Maybe I'm Amazed"
"Ever Present Past" (brand new, great single)
"Band On The Run"

John Lennon:

"Working Class Hero" (also, Green Day's and The Academy Is...'s cover)
"Mother"
"Jealous Guy" (also, Elliott Smith's cover)
"Imagine" (definitely not A Perfect Circle's cover, that is pretty terrible)

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SparkNotes on the Life of Patrick Liam Griffin:

I.) I completed my 2007 Spring semester with passing grades
i. Research and Dysphagia: two B's
ii. Practicum: A
II.) I moved back to Plymouth two weeks ago
i. great to see my family, dog, and 2 out of 3 cats
a) the third cat is a dickhead, sheds everywhere, and never shuts up
I. I give him a kick in the butt whenever I can
ii. basement flooded in March and mushrooms were growing in my room
a) new rug finally put in and as of last weekend I have a bedroom
III.) I'm working 5 days a week at New Bedford Rehab Hospital and (for the most part) enjoying it.
i. I was dressing up and wearing a white labcoat, but I've decided on scrubs
ii. 45-minute, scenic drive
iii. class in Worcester twice a week 4-7
a) burning some serious petrol
IV.) I'm working weekend mornings at Plymouth Country Club
i. I'm "The Rough Guy"
a) sitting on the biggest mower we have and driving around in circles
A. good to be back
i. not making much money
a) but, making enough money to break even on gas
V.) I've got noticeably fatter.
i. 25 pounds since August 2006 according to my doctor
a) also increased blood pressure, apparently
A. grad school sucks
ii. however, I'm going to my old gym again after several months of injuries, and slacking
iii. living on SlimFast and protein shakes
a) I love Hydroxycut
VI. I am very, very disappointed about the Celtics' lottery.
i. Greg Oden would have saved this franchise
a) Kevin Durant would not have
ii. We better hope for Corey Brewer
a) if he's there at 5
iii. We better get Yi
a) if he's there
VII. "24" better get its act together next year
i. Jack Bauer fights zombies!
a) "24 Days Later"
A. my idea, don't even think of taking it
ii. NO MORE NUKES
a) correction: nuke Chloe, then NO MORE NUKES
VIII. The Office finale was great
i. Jim needs his old hair
a) A Halpert without the indie shag is scarcely a Halpert at all
ii. I secretly worry about next season
a) Ryan as Michael's boss would be absurd

All for now. Peace.

iMix 4/21

2007-04-21T11:34:00.000-04:00

The semester is winding down so I don't have a lot of motivation to write in this, but here is some new and old music that's been surging through my ear buds lately:

The Hold Steady "Chips Ahoy!"
The Decemberists "The Crane Wife, Part III"
Wilco "At Least That's What You Said" "Monday" & "Hate It Here"
Nine Inch Nails "Zero Sum" & "Survivalism"
Nirvana "About A Girl"
Oasis "Cigarettes and Alcohol" & "Acquiesce"
Golden Smog "Red Headed Stepchild"
Radiohead "Let Down"
Rush "A Passage To Bangkok"
The Shins "Caring Is Creepy"
Soundgarden "Rusty Cage"
Thin Lizzy "The Rocker" "She Knows" & "Jailbreak"
Neil Young "Tell Me Why"
Red Hot Chili Peppers "Charlie"
Bruce Springsteen "Atlantic City"
Bloc Party "Helicopter"
St. Vincent "Now Now"
Black Sabbath "Electric Funeral"
Led Zeppelin "Ten Years Gone" & "The Rain Song"
R.E.M. "How The West Was Won and Where It Got Us"
Jimi Hendrix "Born Under A Bad Sign" & "Hear My Train A Comin'"

Desert Island

2007-03-08T18:51:00.001-05:00

I was watching The Office episode "The Fire" the other day, and Jim was quizzing the employees about their "desert island" movies, or the movies they would be watching for the rest of their lives. I always love these activities but I tend to think a little too seriously about them. Nevertheless, here are some ideas for movies, albums, and books (Keep in mind, I have an iPod loaded with hundreds of albums, tens of audiobooks, and space for a few movies. These things are fun! It's like one of those MySpace quizzes that only girls take the time to fill out):

MOVIES

I don't think I've seen enough classic movies to really make a commitment, but I'm getting there. I'm evolving.

My all-time favorite movie is Swingers, so that's a given. A great Guys movie with Vince Vaughn at his smooth-talkingest and Jon Favreau not weighing 350 pounds yet. This movie changed my life. Single-handedly brought the phrase "you're so fucking money and you don't even know it" in my rotation of quotes sophomore year at college.

I suppose I would need to have one of the Godfathers, but Part I or Part II? Part II is an absurdly long movie and you get two stories out of it, so that would take up some time. But I think the original is a superior movie. I'll take Part I.
I'm looking at my DVD rack and not seeing a lot of classics in there, besides The Departed, but I'm pissed because the DVD doesn't have a director's commentary. What movie doesn't have a commentary track at this point? Isn't that a prerequisite to make a DVD nowadays? Especially a Scorsese film?

I have a problem with buying very bad movies that I only like ironically, like How High and Pootie Tang. I'm trying to kick this habit, but it's like heroin. They seem like such good ideas at the time.

I put the list of AFI's (the American Film Institute, not the semi-shitty band) 100 Greatest Movies on my Netflix queue. I'm in a Scorsese phase right now so I've watched Taxi Driver and I'm waiting for Raging Bull, Mean Streets, and Goodfellas, but I've been able to watch Citizen Kane, On The Waterfront, and A Streetcar Named Desire. These are all good movies, though I thoroughly enjoyed Citizen Kane. Considering it is regarded as the greatest movie ever made, I think that should make the cut by default.

Anchorman never ceases to make me laugh, so it's definitely coming along. I still quote Ron Burgandy, Champ Kind, Brian Fantana, and Brick Tamland all the time, months and years after other people moved on to Borat lines. Anchorman just does not stop being funny to me. I watch it every time I'm down.

So I'm bringing my all-time favorite movie in Swingers, two legitimate classics in The Godfather and Citizen Kane, and a ridiculous, quotable movie that gets better every time in Anchorman.

ALBUMS

My first choice, without question, would be OK Computer by Radiohead. Like most of the music I'm into right now, I've only really been exposed to/acquired a taste for it in the past 6-8 months. Simply put, I think this is the greatest album ever recorded. It is a flawless work of art that flows together perfectly without one song that I'm not heavily moved by in some way (except maybe "No Surprises" which I really like but don't love). Even the album art is great, it fits the theme perfectly, just a weird blue/green wasteland.There is never a time where I don't feel like listening to OK Computer.

However, I think the follow-up Kid A is almost as genius, and upon checking on my iTunes play counts, it actually has more spins the OK Computer. Neither are very uplifting, but since Kid A is pretty hypnotic and tends to put me to sleep, it will have to stay home. OK Computer keeps my attention for each song, just because it rocks so hard.

I read somewhere that you should pick an album you don't really understand, something really avant garde. Often with records like that, it takes many, many listens before you "get it." There are sort-of-weird albums I didn't like when I bought them at the time in middle school or high school (Pearl Jam's Vitology, Tool's Lateralus) that I love now, because I have grown as a music fan. I'm gonna need something that will take a while. I'm gonna need something really weird.

I'm taking TV on the Radio's Return to Cookie Mountain. This is an album I bought last fall after reading countless reviews calling it the "new OK Computer" and every critic having it at the top of their Best Of lists for 2006. As stated about 70 times already, I love OK Computer, so I bought it. But, as much as I try, I just don't get it yet (except "Wolf Like Me," and "I Was A Lover," which are legitimately awesome), despite possibly having the greatest album title ever imagined. I try to like it, because I feel smart when I understand something like this, but so far it ain't happening. Return to Cookie Mountain is just flat-out weird most of the time, but maybe over a period of a couple years it will "unravel itself" and I'll think it's genius. Or maybe that will be the sun poisoning.

Most people would assume I would take a Coheed & Cambria record because I don't shut up about them, but this is not the case. I used to think long and hard about which one I would take because I go back and forth about which one I think is the greatest (again, I've put far too much serious thought into this desert island game). But my conclusion is this: while I have periods of time where I think that no other band has ever made great music, I also have periods of time where I just can't take it. It's not love/hate relationship, because I will always love them, but enough can be enough. Coheed & Cambria has reached the point of diminishing returns. Until they come out with something new and great (hopefully soon!), Co&Ca need not punch their ticket.

I'm going to have to keep this island On N' Poppin', so some hip-hop is in order to preserve my sexy. Jay-Z's The Blueprint. This is another great, great album. A lot of classic rap albums feel dated to me, such as Illmatic or The Chronic, and I think rap albums in general are more just collections of songs rather than true "albums" with common themes throughout. The Blueprint doesn't really get old for me, and its theme is evident: Jay-Z is way, way more awesome than you or I shall ever be. Produced by Kanye West before he became insufferably annoying and overrated as a rapper, it's his best work. The album is not marred by any guest appearances other than Eminem on "Renegades", who, as Nas said in "Ether", murdered Jay on his own shit. That verse made me love Eminem. I like Rolling Stone's summarization: "If Frank Sinatra ever made a rap album, he would have made The Blueprint." Whenever I listen to it I feel like I should be wearing a suit smoking Cuban cigars. However, I doubt I'll have access to these luxuries. The suits will be worn by monkey butlers.

Every desert island needs an obligatory Led Zeppelin record, because every desert island needs to rock. I'm taking Physical Graffiti over anything else in the Zepalogue. This might be considered cheating because it's a double album, but I think you get the most bang for your buck. It's got "Custard Pie," "The Rover," "Kashmir," "Sick Again," "In The Light," "Trampled Under Foot," "The Wanton Song," among others. It's a pretty heavy record, and even though it's not technically their best, it is the last great Zeppelin album. My favorite Zep album is III and Houses of the Holy is probably the best over all, but I enjoy listening to Physical Graffiti the most. It makes me feel like summer, which I bet living on a desert island is pretty much summer all the time.

So, to summarize: OK Computer, Return to Cookie Mountain, The Blueprint, and Physical Graffiti. That's a pretty good selection, I think.

BOOKS

Books, I don't know. I've never really read that much. I guess I would take anything by Chuck Klosterman, probably Killing Yourself to Live, but hopefully by the time I go to the island he would have put out an anthology or boxed set of everything and I could sneak that aboard the boat/hydrofoil. He's definitely my favorite writer, as most of you can tell with my constant quoting and away messages. While his Esquire columns have kind of sucked lately, Klosterman is still a genius.

Since I'm on an island, I'll have time to amass complete world knowledge. I'm sure this is cheating too, but I would take The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything and The New York Times Guide to Essential Knowledge. I love almanacs and I love The New York Times, and there's gotta be some shit in one of those about building a raft.

I should probably take an old classic. War and Peace is apparantly good, and I think it's like 6,000 pages or something. That will kill some time. Ah fuck it, just mail me my goddamn Esquire.

Tom Waits Is The Man

2007-02-26T20:47:00.000-05:00

If you've never heard of Tom Waits, he is a singer/songwriter who has been around since the 1970s. I have only recently discovered him within the last 3 or 4 months, but he's great.

Be forewarned: his voice is not for the faint of heart. He is essentially a grizzled old man who sounds as though he's making fun of another more grizzled old man while singing. But he's just really cool. I've got about 5 or 6 of his albums (these are the benefits of sharing music with middle-age hipsters at work), and my favorite is his latest, "Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards" which is a collection of B-sides and greatest hits separated into relatively up-tempo bar fight music ("Brawlers"), ballads ("Bawlers") and I guess just random studio recordings ("Bastards"). My favorite by far is the "Bawlers" disc, because it's odd and yet strangely comforting to listen to an old wino sing about broken hearts and empty bottles. I picture Barney Gumble singing for brandy in that Simpsons with Sherry Bobbins. If you can get past his voice (which I now really like), he's a great songwriter. It's mostly blues and acoustic guitar, piano, and some horn, maybe an oboe? What's the jazz horn that isn't a trumpet or saxaphone? Whatever it is, this is perfect whiskey music and I could definitely see him playing in a bar with 3 people in it at 2AM. This is pretty much his material:

"Give a man gin,
give a man cards,
give him an inch,
and he takes a yard."

According to Wikipedia, his voice sounds "like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months and then taken outside and run over with a car."

And if you listen to Toucher and Rich on WBCN, he could be mistaken for the immortal Chili Guy. He's that drunk, and he's that grizzled. Tom Waits is The Man.

That pretty much sums it up. He's made his way into my regular rotation, particularly on these dreary winter days. He's worth at least couple of iTunes purchases.

Hovtober and Clipsember

2007-02-10T15:47:00.000-05:00

A draft of a blog I wrote in December:

Two albums that need to be reviewed: Jay-Z's Kingdom Come and Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury.

Jay-Z is getting blasted for his new album, and in my opinion, the criticism is largely unfair. No, it isn't The Blueprint, and not really close. I would not call it a classic or even "great" record. But Kingdome Come includes some good songs ("Oh My God," "Kingdome Come,") some very good songs ("Show Me What You Got," "The Prelude") and some songs that have the right to exist "Do U Wanna Ride?" "Trouble"). Yes, some terrible songs made their way onto the track list ("Lost One," "Anything"), but let's not go nuts here (and by "let's", I suppose I mean the internet rap bloggers who don't read my blog and my two friends that listen to rap music). Young H-O's rapping is, again, in my opinion, as good as he has been in the past few years, a Black Album-type flow. The faults lie in its production and choruses (I still think "Show Me What You Got" is his best lead single maybe ever, despite what everyone else seems to think). Production is 90% of the reason why an album is successful or not, which is why 50 Cent's Get Rich or Die Tryin' sold so much, not his average-at-best lyrical ability. I would have hoped that Jay-Z's album would have had better production than it does, but there are enough lyrical punch lines and typical HOV swagger to satisfy me. But, what did anyone expect? Any highly-anticipated comeback album is always going to suffer the same fate: Expectations that cannot be met. Just ask Eminem. Encore is the second-worst album I own, behind Nas' Nastradamus.

Jay-Z Kingdome Come: 3.5 stars

On the other hand, Clipse's new album, Hell Hath No Fury, has greatly surprised me. I had read reviews calling it a classic, XXL Magazine gave it their highest rating, Pitchfork, a notoriously ruthless website, gave it a 91. I never really listened the Clipse before, but based on those reviews I had to pick it up. Sometimes, musicians--rappers, rock bands, pop stars, or whoever--only seem to exist within a vacuum of the lower third of the TRL countdown. I think the best example I can think of to describe this view is Jet. Jet is an Austrailan rock band that sounds like they are from the 1970s. Granted, there are numerous Austrailian rock bands that sound like they are from the 1970s (Wolfmother, um...ok, one other band), but I don't consider Jet to be a real band. I have heard many of their songs and I assume that they both write and record those songs, and had probably played them in Austrailian dive bars before being signed to a record deal, but they seem so constructed that I cannot picture them as existing as real human beings. I can't picture a Jet concert. I can't imagine a Jet interview. I can't even fathom members of Jet eating a bag of potato chips. The songs are pretty good too, but never would I consider buying a Jet album. Other artists in the Vacuum Category are Sean Paul, Akon, that Natasha Bettencourt/Bettingfield character, and Clipse. It's not to say that those occupying the Vaccuum were bad, inauthentic, or any other descriptor of being "fabricated by the music industry" (if I remember, that "Unwritten" song was pretty catchy). I just can't picture them existing as real human beings who do real human things.

Clipse no longer belongs in the Vaccum. They have graduated to "real human being" status.

This is one of the best rap albums in a long time. There is not one song on Hell Hath No Fury that I would describe as less than "very, very good." I know that Pharrell saves most of his good beats for Clipse because they were friends in Virginia, and there are some bangers here. The real surprise is how well Clipse rhyme, and what they rhyme about.

A large percentage of their lyrics are about selling drugs and the money they have made from selling said drugs, but this is no unique part of rap music. However, the brothers then rap about relatively obscure European cities Oslo, Frankfurt, and Cologne (Cologne?? I've only heard about that place from my art history class sophomore year!), Salvador Dali paintings, Oliver Twist, and former World Championship Wrestling CEO Eric Bischoff. This was unexpected. This album is very strong all the way through, and even Slim Thug and Pharrell's guest rapping don't do any damage. This might be the OK Computer of rap.

Clipse Hell Hath No Fury gets count'em, * * * * *, 5 stars out of 5.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-08T18:42:00.000-05:00

[Blogger's Note: I did not edit this, so I apologize.]

Another year is upon us and it has the potential to be one of the greatest in recent memory.

My reasons are as follows:

1. I am waking up every morning at 4:30AM (give or take) to go to the gym. This way, I don't have to drag myself to lift in the evening, which happened maybe twice a week for the past few months. I'm setting my new coffee maker to start brewing at 5, and I get up a little bit earlier every day. My goal is to be up at 4:30, and at the gym at 5. So far, I enjoy this very much. Last year for a few months I was in the habit of going to the gym as soon as I woke up, but once I started working at Tatnuck again in the spring, I couldn't bring myself to continuing that trend. This year, though, is different.

2. I have a new job which I neither love, nor hate. I am an Administrative Assistant (er, receptionist) for Victory Productions, a publishing company in Worcester. I still don't completely understand what exactly Victory Productions does, but they give me money, so those are just details. I sit at a desk all and make phone calls to their clients, count words on pages, and make copies. An interesting note about this place which many of you already know, is that Victory is owned by a family of South American Scientologists with its head honcho and namesake, Victoria. The company is about half-Hispanic, and I'm told that they are all related to Victoria in some way. A Scientologist army that size is not to be reckoned with. Everyone at Victory is nice, but it is also a cold, sterile, serious place. I haven't decided whether or not I will go back to Tatnuck in the spring, but for a few couple hours a day the publishing industry isn't too bad. I might stick with it.

3. I may have finally solved my organization troubles. I've taken the time this winter break to fully clean out my apartment and set of a system of in-boxes and out-boxes for all work that needs to be done. For the last month of last semester, I used a pack of notecards and a binder clip ("the hipster PDA") and that helped me to get things done right away. I will continue to use this in the spring, but I've also filled out about 4 calenders (including the neat little "rainlander," google it) and planners. I know I've said this kind of stuff every year of my academic life, but I'm going to get things done right away. I'm even washing my dishes the second I'm done using them. Hopefully paying attention to these little things will keep me on task for the big ones.

4. I've conquered a fear of the phone. I believe one of my old posts was called "The Phone and Why I (Expletive) Hate It." Now that I'm a receptionist, I have to use the phone a lot. My main assignment for the month has been to call all the company's clients and verify their contact information. I was given a list of 1,300 people at big production companies all over the country and a phone. I was incredibly nervous at first and I hesitated in making most of the initial calls, but in the past month just from being forced to work on it, I can make them with no hesitation and with decent fluency. I think my fluency improved greatly during the fall thanks to group therapy and a better grasp of stuttering modification, and for my first few weeks at work it really showed. Then, I called some asshole at some business I've never heard of who started giving me crap about talking a little slower on the phone, and it flustered me. He said he would transfer me to someone else, and when he did that I hung up. I was embarrassed, and following that call, I struggled with speaking for a couple weeks. I don't want to say that this instance was the cause of my increased stuttering, but I was having a lot of success before and it went downhill after that call. I'm willing to acknowledge a correlation. Unfortunately this time was also over Christmas and New Years', so it was disappointing to not succeed in controlling it. Everything is just now starting to click again. In any case, the phone doesn't really bother me much anymore.

4. My outrageous spending is now in control. No more Dunkin' Donuts, no more Cumberland Farms between classes, no more iTunes. Unless I have a gift card, I'm not spending a dime on any of these things. I've always had an issue with failing to see how little expenses add up, and this is a way of fixing that. Subtracting the little things means I can buy more big things, e.g., my new video iPod, a nicer wardrobe, automotive repairs, shiny things for my better half, etc. So far it's been a good deal.

So, these resolutions combined with some anti-resolutions (watch more TV, tip less on checks at restaurants) have helped to start off 2007 as the greatest year ever. I hope everyone has a great one too.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm understandably disappointed by the Patriots' loss to the Colts in the AFC Championship, but I'm not jumping off a bridge. I need to remind myself that before Tom Brady and these recent Superbowl years, Peyton Manning was my favorite player dating back to his days at Tennessee. I owned his neon orange #16 Volunteers jersey, which is throwback-worthy at this point. I remember almost punching a hole in a wall when Charles Woodson won the Heisman Trophy over him. I played NCAA Gamebreaker '98 and threw for over 6,000 and 70 touchdowns with Peyton. We were boys.

Then Tom Brady showed up and won 3 Superbowls, creating a rivalry between the Patriots and the Colts. I think peoples' hatred of the Peyton and the Colts is akin to peoples hatred of Derick Jeter and the Yankees when Nomar in Boston and still a great player. We always want our guy to be better than the foil who gets more media praise. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm over my Jeter and A-Rod Hating simply because we don't have anybody who can compete with them, at least at their positions. But I'm probably being too rational.

Peyton is a great player, always has been, and has suffered through enough to deserve a trip to the Superbowl. The Patriots had chances to put the Colts away and didn't. I'm still plenty upset about how the game turned out, but it was the Colts' time. Good luck, old friend.

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iMix:

Arctic Monkeys, "A Certain Romance"
At The Drive-In, "Quarantine"
The Beatles, anything from Abbey Road
Ben Harper, "The Drugs Don't Work" "More Than Sorry"
Bob Dylan, "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away"
Clipse, "Mr. Me Too" "Wamp Wamp" "Chinese New Year"
Death Cab for Cutie, "Soul Meets Body"
Elliot Smith, "Son of Sam"
Fiona Apple "Tymps"
The Game, "One Blood"
Led Zeppelin, "No Quarter" "In The Light" "Bring It On Home"
Lupe Fiasco, "Hurt Me Soul" "Just Might Be Okay"
Motion City Soundtrack, "My Favorite Accident"
My Morning Jacket, "I Will Sing You Songs"
Pink Floyd, anything from the "Wish You Were Here" album
Radiohead, "Pyramid Song" ""
Smashing Pumpkins, "Bodies"
T.I., "Undertaker" "Top Back"
Thom Yorke, "The Eraser"
Tom Waits, "I Hope I Don't Fall in Love With You"
TV on the Radio, "Wash The Day Away"
Wolfmother, "Dimension"
Young Jeezy, "I Luv It"

Singing Sad, Sad Songs

2006-12-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

In a Rolling Stone blog today, it was reported that a group of English scientists have determined that "The Drugs Don't Work" by The Verve is the saddest song of all-time. This was decided by measuring blood flow and brain activity while subjects listened to songs on headphones. This is, of course, insane. That is a pretty sad song, but there are much, much sadder. Considering this blog has pretty much degenerated to a list of the songs that I like, here is my list of the saddest songs that I've heard:

"Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton
"I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay
"How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" by Al Green
"Charlene" by Anthony Hamilton
"Nutshell" by Alice in Chains
"Brick" by Ben Folds Five
"Streets of Philadelphia" by Bruce Springsteen
"Little Wing" by Jimi Hendrix
"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd
"Morning Yearning" by Ben Harper
"High and Dry" and "How To Disappear Completely" by Radiohead
"Black" and "Come Back" by Pearl Jam
"My, My, Hey, Hey" by Neil Young
"The Scientist" by Coldplay
"This Brilliant Dance" by Dashboard Confessional

Any others?

iMix Update

2006-11-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

Quick update to my iMix because a few more songs have been on heavy rotation:

Deftones, "Hole in the Earth"
Ben Harper, "Faded/Whole Lotta Love (LIVE FROM MARS)"
Thom Yorke, "Harrowdown Hill" and "The Clock"
Boy Dylan, "Highway 61 Revisited"
Led Zeppelin, "Out on the Tiles" and "Achilles' Last Stand"
Gnarls Barkley, "Gone Daddy Gone"
John Mayer, "Stop This Train"
Jimi Hendrix, "Little Wing"
Dave Matthews & Warren Haynes, "Cortez the Killer (LIVE)"
Roger Waters, "Comfortably Numb (LIVE from the Berlin Wall)"
Radiohead, "Airbag"

iMixes Are Fun

2006-11-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

Since my iPod is about to shuffle off this mortal coil any day now, this is the current playlist I've been bumping in the 'Stang until I buy a 30-Gig iPod Video over the winter. Consider this the Griffty Cent iMix for November 2006:

Ben Harper, "Morning Yearning" & "Alone"
TV on the Radio, "Wolf Like Me"
Wilco, "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" and "War on War"
The Beatles, "And Your Bird Can Sing" & "She Said She Said"
Radiohead, "Sit Down, Stand Up," "How To Disappear Completely" and "Sail to the Moon"
Bob Dylan, "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" and "It Ain't Me, Babe"
Rick Ross, "Push It"
Coheed & Cambria, "Everything Evil" and "The Willing Well IV: The Final Cut"
Jay-Z, "Show Me What You Got"
The Prizefighter Inferno, "The Going Price for Home"
John Mayer, "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" and "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"
Gnarls Barkley, "Just A Thought"
Josh Rouse, "Nothing Gives Me Pleasure"
Led Zeppelin, "The Immigrant Song" and "Custard Pie"
Lupe Fiasco, "Pressure"
Pearl Jam, "State of Love and Trust (Live)" and "Inside Job"
The Raconteurs, "Level"

Nevermind...

2006-11-02T12:58:00.000-05:00

See, this is what I'm talking about when I say "bipolar disorder."

After a couple good sessions with each client, my attitude and self-image as a clinician have, as my case manager told me today, done a 180. Tuesday's session was great, as I utilized my improvisation skills by bringing a bunch of toys for the whole class to play with, in addition to wearing a Halloween mask. My client loved it and it was hands down the best session I've had yet. This morning's session, even though my client didn't show up, was very good in that I was able to give a lot of language stimulation to the other children and read them books I had prepared for my client. I've always thought my best clinical skills would lie in my ability to interact with children and make things fun for them. I think that is really starting to show.

My case manager told me in our meeting today that "you had a slow start, but once you got over that hump, you just took off," I have been "200% better" and that I have "certain gifts and skills that other clinicians do not." She acknowledged that I (and she, too) am the type of person who learns things when I strategically need them, as opposed to being able to apply directly what I learn from class. This is something I've always thought, but never wanted to mention it because I looked at it as an excuse for not performing. She even told me that I should consider looking at grants to do work with the preschool population. Doesn't this seem a little bit different than my thoughts from just a couple days ago? It's funny how success and getting better at your job can contribute to your attitudes. I've gone from Fredo Corleone to Michael Corleone in 2 days.

In other grade-related news, I scored 100% on my research article for fluency, a 96% on the corresponding presentation, and my big case presentation last night earned me an A- (though it could have been a solid A had I remembered to give my professor a copy of my research). I didn't think the case presentation was very good, but if she gives it an A-, I'll take the grade and the confidence boost. Let's see how I manage the rest of semester. I'm not expecting anymore Doomsday posts.
-----------------------------------------
On Halloween, I bought the new Coheed & Cambria DVD, "The Last Supper," which is very good. Co&Ca is my favorite band of all time (though Radiohead and Led Zep are closing in fast), and this DVD is very good at showing why they are such an amazing band. I don't know if this is a better show than "Live At The Starland Ballroom" in terms of most of the performance (since Claudio can't harmonize with himself, Travis and Mike backing up his singing is just awful, and made great songs like "The Crowing" and "Ten Speed' lose some of their luster. Still, "The Final Cut" is amazing and showcases Claudio's and Travis' guitar virtuosity. They constantly tried to one-up each other's solos during the last song (Though, Claudio working overtime on his "I'm so good at guitar" faces was pretty odd. He's more animated than he used to be during shows, but I think I liked the reclusive Claudio who hated talking to the crowd better). The interviews sprinkled throughout DVD were a little disappointing and misleading ("Behind the Scenes Interviews with Claudio!" was a bit of an overstatement). A highlight of the show occurred during the bridge of "Everything Evil" when a giant dragonfly (the size of 10 men, I tells ya!) flew over the audience on wires while the band stopped playing, before going into the always awesome "JeeeeSAAAAY" part. All in all, the "The Last Supper" gets an A-, or a 91 on "Reeking-Of-Awesomeness Scale." The stage show was great, the songs had a newer, fresher sound, and Claudio and Travis had a good old fashioned guitar duel. Plus, it's a bargain at $13. Definitely worth a look.

I also bought Claudio's new solo album under his alias, The Prizefighter Inferno. The album, My Brother's Blood Machine, is an acoustic and electronica side story of the original Co&Ca plot, and it's pretty good. "The Postal Service meets Coheed & Cambria" is an accurate description, and I give it a B+, or an 88 on the R.O.A. Scale. I'll tell you, that Puerto Rican can write good, catchy songs as well as anybody in the game, but still manages to make it a very weird experience. The CD packaging is very cool, as the lyrics come on tarot cards. However, something feels off about the album. Maybe I'm just not used to the combination of folk music and minimalist techno, but it is taking me time to really like the music part of it.

This is a very obscure (and very stupid) reference, but the album sounds the way the cover of Led Zeppelin III looks, if that makes any sense (sorry, I'm channeling my inner-Chuck Klosterman). That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever written in this blog, but that's what it sounds like to me. My Brother's Blood Machine should hold me over until at least the next Coheed album drops.

That's it for now, peace.

Shine On You, Crazy Diamond

2006-10-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

That was a worse retirement than Jay-Z's. I'm sorry, I'm back.

I am convinced that I have developed or acquired some mild form of bipolar disorder.

At least once a day, I am overcome with feelings that I have chosen the wrong profession, and this scares the shit out of me. After a couple hours of inner monologue, I calm myself down, realize that I have a better handle on things than I think I do, remember how I always overreact about everything, and smarten up.

I'm taking three classes this semester (stuttering, neurogenic speech disorders, and clinical practicum), I've got two clients at two different preschools in the Worcester area that I see once a week (been there for 6 weeks) and I'm screening hearing in elementary schools for the little childrens (two down, one to go). I'm still working a couple hours a day at Tatnuck, and then it's off to the old schoolhouse for the rest of the day and early evening.

It's accurate to say that I am struggling right now. I enjoy the two kids I work with right now and their classes are always entertaining, but I still feel lost most of the time and my confidence in what I am doing comes and goes. I bombed my first neuro exam, yet I think that can be salvaged fairly easily. I assume I'll do well on my fluency midterm (it would make goddamn sense) that has been delayed so long that it should be called "Chinese Democracy," but who knows. My case manager has told me that I have been making progress and my sessions get better and better, yet she also informed me that I am picking things up slower than the other clinicians. I always walk into a session thinking it will go terribly, and I walk out of it thinking I am the greatest of the great. I can't make up my fucking mind about how I am doing. Essentially, when I describe to people what exactly I am doing in grad school, I am completely talking out of my ass, yet it tends to sound halfway intelligent.

What worries me the most is not the fact that I am not a expert yet, it's that I don't find genuine interest in most of our field. I am interested in stuttering and stuttering alone. Some day I will have a private practice and specialize in fluency, but that will not be for a long time. Today in fluency class, we had a guest speaker who was a regional director of the National Stuttering Association. He talked about his past therapies and how he has improved over the years. Listening to him talk reminded me of why I am in this profession. Unfortunatly, so much of speech-language pathology is child language and articulation, and I flat-out don't like it. For years I had assumed that once I began working with people, that attitude would change. "Wait until you get into clinic, you know more than you think you do. You'll love it!", they all said. That has not happened. I feel that I know less than I thought I did, and I certainly do not love it. I hope some day this all changes. Maybe with time and experience it will, but right now I'm not thrilled.

So what are my options for changing these feelings? Basically, I can suck it up and be a man. Grad school sucks a fat one for everybody and there's nothing noble about suffering through it. I've got friends doing braver things than I'll ever do, (namely Dan Teles, History's Greatest Hero building houses in New Orleans) so I should shut up now. Time to take off the dress and end this tea party.

---------------------------------------

Surprisingly, despite the disdain for my profession right now, my stuttering during my sessions has been a non-factor. I thought that would be the main problem going into this year, but in the 21.5 hours of therapy that I've accrued so far, I have counted only 3 times where stuttering affected the session. I practice on and off, but for most of the time I have been able to control it. I've leaned more towards stuttering modification techniques in those situations rather than fluency shaping.
I'm fluent in the times where I need to be fluent, and that's all that matters to me.

Aside from school, the rest of my life ain't bad. Work isn't bad, the Patriots keep winning, the revamped Celtics are about to start, and I am completely head-over-heels in love. I've taken a real shine to politics, Radiohead, wine, cooking real food (celebrating my 100th fleeting hobby of the past year!) and classic movies. I actually kind of feel like an adult.

Now if I could only start acting like one in school.

Summer Ramblings [edited]

2006-07-10T17:44:00.000-04:00

Once again I have returned from the blogging dead like The Phoenix (except less evil and more controllable. More on that in a bit).

[this portion of the blog has been removed for clinic confidentiality reasons. I am hereby using that mind-eraser thing from Men In Black and Men In Black: 2 to erase your collective memories.]

I have come to the conclusion that summer classes totally suck all. Nothing like sitting in a class on a warm summer's night only to come home and go right to bed because you've got to wake up at 5:30. I should be grilling, drinking, and watching baseball, damnit.

My landlord has been giving me guff about using the air conditioning, which is great considering it's about 130 degrees at all times in my apartment. He thinks I will burn it out by using it too much and that I should be "judicious in my use." So his idea was to leave the doors and windows open for circulation. In an ironic twist, a raccoon came in through the open door one night and ate a bunch of food from his kitchen and leaving my apartment untouched. Pat 1, George Evans, 0.

Work at ol' TCC has been about the same lately. Nothing major to report, except I think my shitty approach mowing has finally granted my wish of never sitting on that damn machine again. I'm back atop my throne on the precious fairway mower. As long as my iPod is charged and my coffee cup is full, I'll sit on that thing all day. Never leave me, baby.

I've been experimenting with the idea of getting a SLP-assistant job, which would pay more for less hours during the fall and would actually reinforce all the crap I'm learning at school. However I don't want to feel overwhelmed when clinic starts. Tatnuck is so flexible and corrupt in terms of hours that it might just make more sense to stick with what I've been doing. I'm still keeping an eye on the wanted ads for openings in the area, at least to call and see what they would want me to do. To actually feel like what I'm studying will be my job would be a welcome change.

"X-Men: The Last Stand" unexpectedly kicked an enourmous amount of ass. The reviews I read said that it lacked a real story and was only big on effects, calling it "flat." In my opinion, the story was better than either of the first two movies which were fantastic to begin with, and it was far more emotional. There could have added more recognizable mutants, particularly Gambit, but Beast was a good addition and Jean Grey's Phoenix was flat-out frightening (as you can tell by the picture). I also loved the little rivalries set up between Iceman and Pyro, or Storm versus Callisto. The end made it look like there would be another movie, but I think this should be it. I don't see the point as they have exhausted all good plotlines. Mutants have fought against themselves, humans, and now humans again. I don't see any other way they could go that wouldn't just be a rehash of the last two movies. Hopefully the Wolverine spin-off won't be beating a dead horse.

I am quickly becoming a rock star on the guitar...sort of. I know pretty much all the chords and am starting to get the hang of scales. I can do a nice little bluesy scale with a bend at the end that sounds pretty good. When I was home for July 4th, Molly taught me "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana and "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. I am getting the hang of both of those and it feels good to actually be playing songs rather than just practicing chord transition. Reading tabs is getting easier, too. In time I can see myself getting pretty good and having this as a real hobby I can go back to.

That's about all that's been going on in Worcester. Hopefully I can update this more often than every 2 months, but no promises. Peace.

Dear Summer...

2006-05-15T17:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to step to...

Bad joke, sorry.

It's been over a month since I've written here. Between finals, work, and my new guitar (which I suck at), I've had very little time and little motivation to write in this. Maybe I am just out of stuff to address, or maybe I just haven't given any real thought to stuttering in a while, but the least I can do for my minions is update the goings-on of my life as of late.

Graduate School: Year One is over at long last. My grades are posted and I got an A- in Diagnostics (the hardest, most time-consuming course), a B+ in Aural Rehab and a B in Adult Language Disorders. I definitely worked hard this semester (though 90% of my focus went to Dx, the other two classes really were afterthoughts) and it payed off. In terms of class difficulty, I think the worst is behind me. However, the 800-pound gorilla (see right) known as "clinical practicum" is still lurking.

Starting May 22nd, I have four classes this summer, all in the evening. I take two 1-credit electives (though I'm not really sure about the actual dates. When I checked online it says I have them at the same time, but that couldn't be). After a few more weeks off, I take two more classes for 1 credit and 3 credits. I've worked a lot of hours in the past couple of weeks at the easiest job in the world and once class starts I don't expect to miss any time. Tatnuck Country Club is a diamond mine of awesomeness. Last Friday everyone left at noon because of the rain and I decided to stick around, paint a couple rocking chairs and read a book until closing time. I just like being allowed to lock up. It makes me feel so responsible. (By the way, if you ever want to steal mowers and shit, I leave the key under the tire near the front door.)

Speaking of responsible, I've decided to start my own mini landscaping business in my area on Saturdays and Sundays. I've printed up fliers advertising "affordable, expert care of lawns and gardens" complete with my marketable tattoo as a logo. Dr. Larrivee already said she has a big mulching project and I'm hoping she spreads the word to her neighbors. If I can get 6 or so lawns (3 on Saturdays, 3 on Sundays) for $30-$50 each, that's at least an extra $200 per week. Granted I drive a Mustang, but I figured out how to fit a mower from work into the trunk. Nick (the assistant at Tatnuck) said I could even borrow his monster F-350 truck if I needed it and that I could help him out with his side projects as well. By borrowing all the equipment from work, I'll save on capital until I can afford my own mower. As I've said a million times, Tatnuck Country Club is the greatest place on earth if you want to come in late, screw around, play golf, play poker, smoke weed (I don't smoke weed, but if somebody wanted to, they could) without reprecussions, AND get punched off the clock hours after you leave. Even the 50-year-old gardener drinks cans of Busch down by the dump at 9 AM. Someone was telling a story of how a kid got fired from there, and for the life of me I can't figure out what could possibly happen that would warrant a firing. I've narrowed it down to either: 1) doing donuts on the greens in a cart, or 2) stealing Rob's last handful of bacon.

Needless to say, I will have almost no free time this summer, and I consider that a good thing. I've been much happier since being back at work, and with summer classes and side landscaping projects on the horizon, you are looking at one rich, happy boy. I sometimes look back at all the things I used to be afraid of when I was younger, namely, speaking with other people and trying anything new, and I think I've made so much progress regarding that recently. I'll be dealing with clients and parents next year and I'm starting a small business where I'll be dealing with people I don't know. It might not seem like much, but they are still really big steps for me. Onward and upward.

As usual, stuttering has been up and down. These past few days have been hard and I can't seem to get my timing down on my breathing. That takes practice, which I am still out of. I know that I make the most progress when I make fluency the focus of my life like I did last summer. In my current situation and atmosphere I have no desire to do that. From the people I've met at support groups, the happier people tend to be the ones who stutter severely (and I mean SEVERELY) because they accept who they are. In a way, speech therapists are the enemy.
Still, I need to be ready for the fall. When I talked to the clinic director a few months ago to talk about having therapy this summer, she said she would put me in the pool and let me know. I haven't heard back anything yet, so I don't know what that means. I'll stop by sometime soon and see what the deal is.

I've seen 2 movies recently: Silent Hill and Poseidon. Silent Hill rocked and scared the absolute bejesus out of me, namely because the one known as "Buckethead" was back with his big cleaver in midseason form, ripping this girl's skin off and throwing it against a church door. If that isn't bad ass, I'm not sure if anything is. The guy (or whatever he is) just stomps people all day and night. Menacing.

Poseidon was pretty good, but very short (90 minutes) and had no character development at all. The movie was essentially: Boat. Wave. People trying to get the hell out of the boat. I never saw the original version so I can't compare it. It was pretty intense and one of those triumph-of-human-spirit deals, but I don't know if I would've seen it without free movie passes. Silent Hill, a triumph-of-Buckethead deal, will be a DVD purchase the day it comes out.

That's the breakdown. Enjoy your week.

Recent Transpirings: April 8, 2006

2006-04-08T14:46:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and thought, "I should get around to making that podcast I've had on the back burner for about 6 months." In a couple hours I had it recorded (actually sounds decent) and published via Libsyn. I've also created a separate blog specifically for the podcast. It's essentially the script that I read during recording, but I didn't think what I would be talking about on this blog and what I would be talking about in the podcast would always match up, so it's an entity unto itself. The new blog's URL is http://PodcastPWS.blogspot.com and the podcast itself is named "A Podcast for People Who Stutter" as opposed to the unbelievable cheesiness of "Fluencycast." You'll notice that the title of this blog is once again "My Stupid Mouth" though the URL will remain http://fluencycast.blogspot.com because it's a pain in the ass to go through the process of changing that.

I want to keep the podcast and accompanying blog as simple as possible. You'll also notice that the smarmy ramblings of the Pat Griffin you know and love is replaced with the "Hello everyone, my name is Patrick and I've created this podcast blah blah..." generic Pat Griffin. The template is stripped down and I want to keep the entries short. This is probably the best way to get this whole thing started. My Stupid Mouth will be the home to the more personal side of how stuttering affects my life (as well as graduate school updates and terribly misguided sports predictions) whereas Podcast PWS will be a more general, professional-sounding journal.

The first podcast recording is about 4 minutes, with a clip of "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer as my intro music. It's an introduction to why I've started this and I give a little background about myself. For future episodes I am planning to talk about news in the stuttering world and other issues in short 5-10 minute segments. I'll cover topics like Tiger Woods' 60 Minutes interview, developments of the stuttering medication Pagaclone, and any new therapy techniques I read about. If I used Libsyn properly, they send out all my information and RSS feed to iTunes, Yahoo Podcasts, and other podcast centers automatically and they should be posted in a few days if not sooner. Once they are posted, I will send emails to everyone at the Yahoo groups to try and do some advertising. I'm definitely excited for this now. I've been sitting on this idea for months and after a few false starts, it should be off the ground, only taking me several hours this morning.

So that's the podcast. As for other news, school is going well. I got my first real "A" for an exam after a semester and a half of "B"'s. Unlike last semester I won't be tight-rope-walking the 80-line. This semester has not nearly been as hard as the fall was, but there is much more tedious work, especially for Diagnostics. After several weeks of working to get individual and group projects finished, this next week shouldn't be too bad. I've been bringing my laptop to class for the past month or so and I have to say, I don't know what I did without it. In undergrad there was always "that guy" who brought his computer to class and he was always a nerd who I wanted to punch. Graduate school seems very different in that respect as everyone brings theirs. Sure, I pay attention less, but my notes are neat and I can type a hell of a lot faster than I can write. I get all the notes I need and when I get bored, there is always ESPN.com and MySpace. I tend to zone out in Aural Rehab and Adult Language Disorders (which I would be doing without the computer anyway, at least this way I have something to do) but in Diagnostics I'm too afraid to do anything but raise my hand and pay attention.

I am starting work back at Tatnuck Country Club on Monday (finally), this ending my financial hemorrhage. I definitely didn't think I would spend as much money as I have over the past few months since being laid off, but let's just say that after one paycheck I could double what currently occupies my bank accounts. Scary.

Frankly, I'm getting kind of sick of living in Worcester. As nice as this apartment is, my landlord gets on my nerves (the single most eccentric man I've ever met) and I try to avoid conversation with him at all costs. I don't need to hear how "his constitution is not well" when describing his food poisoning and what to do if I ever get it. Nor do I need to hear about what to do in case "we should meet our demise" when talking if he and his wife die while I'm living here. I don't care. Just ridiculousness when dealing with this guy.

Stuttering lately has been a little below the norm. Ups and downs as usual, but I think the podcast will really help that. Just today I've practiced for the first time in a while and I think the more I focus on the podcast the more motivated I will be to put the effort in more routinely. Especially with presentations coming up and my routine drive to work in the morning, I can get back into a groove.

Enough for now, make sure to check out that other blog and be on the lookout on iTunes if you see my name. Peace.

The Telephone and Why I (expletive) Hate It....and Spring Break

2006-03-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

Spring Break has finally arrived! As Young Jeezy would say, "YEEEAAH!!!" And how am I spending my time? Getting a tan? Checking out a wet T-shirt contest? Anything fun with these two girls on the left?...Nope: morphosyntactic analysis. Christ, even last year's expedition to Colonial Williamsburg and the Coca Cola museum in Atlanta had more pizzazz than this. I'm not too coherent right now and I don't feel like editing, so deal.

I figure I might as well get as much work out of the way as possible with the time I have off. I called my boss yesterday and he told me that he can't have me back at the golf course until the first week of April, so I have to ration whatever money I have left until then. That way I can work as much as humanly possible and start to rebuild my checking and savings accounts. If I get my homework done now, I figure I can work more than the 30 hours a week that I was working in the fall. I'm always happier when have something to do and have money in my pocket.

One of the other assignments we have this semester for Diagnostics is to give 4 different stardardized tests to different age groups (preschool, school-age, adolescent/adult, and one more of our choice). I was smart and got two adult tests done the first two weekends of the semester, which has left me with the two youngest age groups left to finish before April. I finally reserved the tests I need for this coming weekend and I intend to borrow a couple of my younger cousins. I've had the phone numbers for their parents and I have been avoiding making the calls all semester.

For most, if not all, people who stutter, the telephone is probably the most frightening part of life. Not to get all pitiful, but not much hurts more than being hung up on because the person you called didn't realize there was someone on the line or thought it was a prank call. It's damn frustrating and after years of avoiding the phone, using it regularly becomes difficult. In my field we often talk about the benefit of visual aids to auditory information, especially for people with hearing loss. If they can look at the person speaking, they can pick up visual cues to help them understand the message. I think that often works the same for me. If I am speaking to someone in person and I stutter, at least they can see that something is going on and maybe gather what I'm trying to get across, whether it's at a restaurant or line to order something and I can point to something on the menu (I always come back to the food-ordering), but when I am on the phone, especially with someone I don't know, I don't know what they are thinking and the situation becomes very awkward. I've gotten past some of those things, especially with ordering food. I often refer back to the unspoken agreement between Ethan and I about weekend pizza delivery: he would call, I would go downstairs and pick it up. Junior year I was forced to do it myself once when he was out and I've been able to since.

My cell phone is the single most useless piece of electronics that I own. I have the cheapest plan Verizon offers at 300 minutes per month and I bet I barely touch 30 of them. I will literally go weeks without making a phone call. Granted, I don't have as many phone calls to make that most people do. I try not to order food anymore (in the interest of saving money), I talk to my mom over instant messenger a few times a week and I go home often to see the family, I don't have a nightly call with a long-distance girlfriend, or anything else that most people use their little folding silver blinky things for. This past weekend I left my phone and jacket at Dan and Karen's, and I was debating picking it up whenever the next time I happen to be there. When I came to get it, Karen said "That must have been horrible, a weekend without your cell phone." Until Dan called my house on Saturday, I don't think I even realized it was missing.

Sometimes people will call me and leave drunk voicemails or just to chat, and instead of picking up, I often let it ring and call back later. A more likely scenario would be that I wait until they are online and IM them. It's not that I am afraid of the phone, it's that it's a pain in the ass. I'm not afraid of calling my friends and family, but it takes so much effort that I get no enjoyment out of the process of talking to them.

Calling a girl for a first date has always been hell, too. When I get numbers I try to get their screenname as well, just because it's easier, and I don't care if it seems unorthodox. If I want to make a good first impression, it tends to go better through typing, despite the fact that girls prefer talking on the phone. I have a better chance of coming off well over instant messenger than I do on the phone. I think I'm playing the percentages. I tend to get the third degree from girls when I say I wait a week before I'll make that first call (because 2 days is normally industry standard, according to Swingers), but the truth is, I wait so long is because it usually takes me that long to work up the balls to go through with it. Like I said in the past, it's hard to seem cool and confident when you can't get a word out. I know girls will say "it doesn't matter if you stutter, if she likes you, she'll like you no matter what" and I've found that to be true, but when you are in the situation it feels different, especially when you are just meeting someone. Other guys can at least act the part, but if I'm nervous at all, it will show big time. I'm trying to think of a time when I just made a call in a reasonable amount of time without really hesitating (maybe Jenny?) but I know they are few and far between.

Personal life and woman issues aside, my biggest problem is going to be making phone calls in clinic to make and confirm appointments. I find it funny that the parts of the job that other people probably won't give a second thought to are the ones that scare me the most. I will be practiced and prepared in the future but I don't know how those will go, especially if I know I'm just going to rile myself up by getting worried. I've been reading more and hearing through different people about how antidepressants and anxiety medications can be used to reduce stuttering and I'm curious about that. I took Lexipro for a few months junior year and I don't remember how that affected my stuttering. If I don't remember it probably didn't help much. Though, I don't really think I got any benefit from that medication considering I was on the lowest dosage (other than being able to get drunk off one beer), but perhaps I would have better luck with another kind. I'll have to talk to my doctor about that, because I want to make sure things go well. The mood boost and improved focus couldn't hurt either...

In other news, my NCAA Tournament brackets are toast. I had a good first round, picking 72% of the games, landing me in 4th place. But one by one, upsets occurred and now I'm left with 8 teams left in the Sweet 16. I'm stuck in 50th place and no money in sight. Ohio St., one of my Final Four teams, was upset by Georgetown. I was wrong about BC and Gonzaga, and even though UConn is still alive, they are playing without a "sense of urgency" as the analysts say and will lose in the Final Four. Rudy Gay will be a lottery bust, I can tell you that. LSU's Glen "Big Baby" Davis is immediately one of my new favorite college players (in addition to J.J. Redick and Tyler Hansbrough) with an even better nickname. Big Baby! My revised, non-binding national champion pick is Villanova.

Till next time.

Recent Transpirings and March Madness

2006-03-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

(Note: The date says 3/9 but I started writing the draft then.)

I wanted to update some things that have been going on, and just for kicks and the fact that I had pictures laying around, a picture of Cadbury my trusty guinea pig, Greta thinking about eating her, the man-child known as Tub Cat, and if you haven't seen the Mustang yet, that, too.

I've skipped the last three Toastmasters meetings because of midterms, papers, and projects (supplemented with Tiger Woods 06 and NBA Live 06), and considering I should be starting work soon in the next week or so (provided Rob calls me), I'm not sure if I'm going to go again for a while. The meetings I went to were nice, but because of my schedule and my dire need for money (and they started asking for dues), it might not be worth it. If I have a Monday off here and there I'll go, but it probably won't be a consistent thing. It's a shame but in a sense it wasn't really giving me the feeling I thought it would. I guess speaking in front of people was not as frightening as I thought. It's the little things like introductions and phone calls that bother me. In any case, I had a nice time, met some nice people. I know a lot of people who stutter are so afraid of speaking in public, and the people I told about it seem to be very impressed. At least I'll always have my "Best Speaker" ribbon and trophy pictures. Hopefully I'll be able to stop by in the future for a brush-up.
Other things:

One of our assignments for Diagnostics was to administer a standardized vocabulary test to someone in front of Dr. Larrivee for her to grade our skills as a diagnostician (to the layperson: someone who gets money to give and grade standardized tests). Since we were not allowed to give the test to someone in our program (we are supposed to be familiar with the test and would throw off results), I had my dad drive up. I was happy that he was so eager to come up, and my mom came also and we went out to lunch after.

I was surprised with how well I did. I prepared for hours earlier in the day memorizing the difficult words (especially "terpsichorean"). I had a couple of small blocks, though my major problems were that I pronounced a couple words incorrectly (namely, "indigent" as "indignant") and that I let my dad know which ones he got wrong by telling him "good job" when he was right and saying nothing when he was wrong. Dr. Larrivee gave me 10 out of 10 (which is great because I heard she makes most people do it over) and she told me overall I did very well. But the thing about Dr. Larrivee is, even though she always seems to give a decent grade, she will still criticize the hell out of you (I am still having my Vietnam flashbacks of last semester when she told me one of my literary reviews was filled with "good points, marred by bad writing, poor grammar, and terrible organization." She gave me a more-than-acceptable 83). She told me that my stuttering worries her because she has noticed more problems lately--which there certainly have been-- and that by the time I get into clinic in the fall I need to be better prepared because, as she so delicately put it: "I don't want there to be any reason for you to fail clinic." ....Are you friggin serious? Fail clinic?! That was something that hadn't crossed my mind as a legitimate scenario. I figured it might aggrivate my case manager and confuse parents from time to time, but I didn't think my clinic grade would be affected. Even with my perfect test administration score and the fact that I know when I apply myself that I can control my stuttering, I left that day feeling like shit. Later that evening I ended up going home for the weekend to spend time with my family and Greta and see if I could get back to feeling normal. Sometimes I feel like I can take criticism, and other times I cannot. I'm going to have to have a thicker skin by the time I'm in clinic. I don't want to be shaken easily, especially having to deal with an additional obstacle that the other grad students do not.

Needless to say, I talked to Ann a couple days later and had her put me in the pool for summer clinic sessions. She said she wasn't sure if there were open spots and she couldn't guarantee me anything. I'm gonna be scared shitless of not being prepared so I know I'll work as hard as I can whether I'm getting therapy or not. I never really thought it was weird to have a grad student clincian when I was at UMass, but to be getting therapy from a girl in my program who is in the same classes as I am might be an awkward experience. Whatever they want me to do, I'm down with. Just don't fail me in clinic, for christsake.

My last midterm is Thursday, 4:30-7:30, so once that is over I'm heading back here to get hammered and watch the start of the March Madness. I've been filling out my brackets and I have high aspirations. Two years ago I ran roughshod over everyone in my dad's office pool and had the damn thing won before the Final Four had even started, and this year I expect to do the same. So far with my first draft my Final Four is UConn, Duke, Memphis, and Ohio St. with UConn over Duke in the championship game (I think you can pencil in Ohio St. for national champions next year once Greg Oden gets there. Yikes, he is one large 18-year-old-who-looks-like-he's-pushing-40). I have Gonzaga losing in the round of 32 because that's just what Gonzaga does. Adam Morrison is a great player but the Zags never do anything in the tournement. I don't take Boston College seriously in the tourney either, because they always lose in the round of 32. Those two teams seem to be fashionable picks, and whenever everyone leans toward a team like that, go the other way. I don't have a lot of big upsets other than those two and a couple 9's over 8's, but it's still a first draft. There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a 12 over a 5, and this year my pick is Kent St. over Pitt. I'm gonna need that $250, so let's go Rudy Gay and the Huskies!

Remember, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.

Famous People Who Stutter

2006-02-28T12:08:00.000-05:00

f There was an article I read at a sports website that mentioned famous athletes who stutter. I knew a few of the names: such as former Celtic and current television announcer Bill Walton, videogame demigod Bo Jackson, Denver Nugget forward/asshole Kenyon Martin, San Diego Charger running back Darren Sproles--but two jumped off the list that I never imagined: the exiled Johnny Damon and greatest golfer of all-time Tiger Woods.

(side note: Johnny Damon is not a backstabber or a traitor. He took the money just like any of us would have. So let it go.) Anyway...

Johnny D surprised me, but after reading that article and hearing more about how his stuttering held him back when he was in the minor leagues and was afraid of talking to the media only to seek therapy and gain self-confidence as he rose to the majors with Kansas City, it makes more sense. As I hear him speak in interviews I can tell that he is picking and choosing his words. People often think that Damon sounds like an moron while speaking to the media, but from my perspective and experience it really just seems like he is avoiding words he thinks he will have trouble on. And I don't blame him. I can't imagine having to go through that every night after a game or during a live press conference. I've come a long way, but not that far. Luckily for me, unless my 40-yard-dash time mysteriously drops under 4.5 seconds, I won't have to.

Tiger Woods, on the other hand, I REALLY had no idea. He was quoted in the article as saying something along the lines of "I stuttered when I was younger so I went to a special school where they taught me to speak the right way." If only it was that easy for all of us. I'm guessing that Big Tig had normal childhood dysfluencies that many children have and simply grew out of it with the help of early intervention, but who knows.

As people who stutter, we are often told about famous actors, athletes, politicians, and historical figures who have dealt with stuttering problems themselves in an attempt to inspire us to work past it and become successful, meaningful contributors to society. Names off the top of my head include Walton, Winston Churchill, Jack Welch, Charles Darwin, Moses, James Earl Jones, and to a much, much lesser extent, Stuttering John from The Howard Stern Show. I have been trying to think how these celebrities and quasi-celebrities have really gotten over the fear of speaking and how they conquer their stuttering in such a high-profile career (granted, Stuttering John has made his career out of his stuttering, but that's not the point).

Last night at the NSA Stuttering Support Group meeting, Dr. Melnick, a stuttering SLP named Steve, and I had a discussion about these famous people who supposedly stutter and why we have never really heard them have any difficulty on television, in movies, or on the red carpet. Steve's theory was that they are always playing a character, not themselves. For example, almost any time I change my voice, whether I'm singing in the car, whispering, talking in an accent, yelling, or performing one of my abominable impressions of Stewie Griffin, my stuttering almost always goes away. I imagine "L-L-L-L-Luke I am y-y-y-your f-f-f-ather" would not be in the pantheon of memorable movie lines if Jones stuttered all the way through it. The same goes for Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts, Samual L. Jackson, and any other stuttering actor.

If anything, I think the lesson to learn from these famous people who stutter is that stuttering is no excuse to not follow your dreams. The way to transcend stuttering is to find something in your life that means more to you than the way you speak. I know that I chose my career based on my stuttering, and while I know it will be rewarding in the long run I often wonder what it would be like if I had chosen something else, particularly sports management. Considering my favorite days of the year are in order: 1) the NFL Draft weekend 2) the NBA Draft 3) the NBA trade deadline 4) the MLB trade deadline and 5) the day free agency starts in any sport, sports management should have been a perfect fit for me. While at UMass I thought about getting into it but I thought that if I stuttered I wouldn't be able to make phone calls to teams trying to get rid of Brian Scalabrine's absurd contract, negotiate with Drew Rosenhaus, or just generally project the confidence I would need to be successful in that kind of job. In hindsight I sometimes wish I had gone down that path. At least when I am working as an SLP somewhere in a couple years I can encourage young kids to follow their passion. Not to say I won't enjoy my career (though I've already had my fill of graduate school), but potentially working for a professional sports team would be something special. I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through NBA Live 2006. With my New Orleans Hornets I just completed a blockbuster trade for Darko (see left; I figured people would recognize Damon, Tiger, and Vader, but Darko isn't any good so people don't know him.) Anyway, I'm turning Darko into a star, something Pistons GM Joe Dumars couldn't do, so maybe there is still hope for me afterall.

::Insert Relevant Song Title Here::

2006-02-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

As I'm cruising iTunes I'm realizing I'm out of catchy song titles for these blogs...

Back from a snowy weekend home, so I finally got my hands on my sister's digital camera (half of which I technically own). I also figured out the painfully tedious process of publishing photos on Blogger (I had to download 2 entire programs just to get it to work, completely unnecessary). In any case, here is a picture of the "Best Speaker" award I won last week at Toastmasters(and yes those are Christmas lights in the background. It's always Christmas at the Griffin house). I had to return it at today's meeting, but I came home with another, for "Best Table Topic," that looks exactly the same except the title is different. I was unexpectedly called to the podium today to talk about the Olympics and what I thought of when I saw the athletes accept their gold medals. I had no idea what to say, and blurted out some kind of I-wish-I-had-that-opportunity thing. I stuttered through something so completely incoherent with no real ending whatsoever, but I think I'm still at the stage where they think it's great that I'm even up there speaking in the first place, so they voted for me. I was also assigned the job of 'Um' Counter, so I listened to everyone speak and had to tally their "um"s and report at the end of the meeting. Some of these people are incredibly dynamic speakers. This one guy Anthony should have his own talk show or something, he's very good. He is the kind of speaker I wish I could be, and hopefully through enough practice at these meetings I will be in time. He's 40 and been doing this for years while I'm 23 and been to three Toastmasters meetings. I think I've got time.

During my meeting with Dr. Meyer last week, she told me she felt I wasn't able to really convey the message of my presentation because of my stuttering. She said my content and hand-out were good, but in conveying the ideas of my presentation (about hearing loss support groups), the stuttering was distracting. We need 4 out of 5 on our presentations as part of the program requirements, and she gave me a 3. I didn't even think it was that bad, but in hindsight it wasn't that good either. I have been writing about how most of the time I just want to speak and not really worry about stuttering, but situations like presentations and speeches are times where it is important that I am as fluent as possible, so by her reminding me of that, I think I will be forced to be better prepared. Granted, it didn't really help that I started presenting at 7:35 during a 4:30-7:30 class on a Thursday night when everyone was looking at the clock wanting to get the hell out of there, but nonetheless it could have gone better. I know what she meant and I didn't get defensive, but it still hurt a little bit because I'm not used to hearing it. Some times I feel that professors are actually too easy on me in terms of my presentation grades. Even Larrivee gave me a 23.5 out of 25 during our Artic presentations last semester, and there was no way I deserved that. Being patronized is worse than being made fun of, and it gets frustrating because I can't really defend myself. If someone makes fun of me I can at least send a "Fuck Off!" his or her way, but if someone is being extra-nice to me because they think I'm different or slow, it drives me nuts because I'm afraid of overreacting.

[On the superficial level, being patronized has it's advantages because in the short term it makes things easier, but in the end it just makes life harder down the road. When I was at UMass, I would go to the Mullins Center every morning for Dunkin' Donuts coffee (I singlehandedly kept that place in business). One day when I was trying to order I stuttered badly and the counter girl just ignored me and went on to the next person. I stopped taking that personally a long time ago, but it's still pretty damn aggravating. There was an old woman who worked there who saw what happened and yelled at the girl and demanded that she take my order. I felt kind of embarrassed, but I got free coffee for a week that the old woman had ready for me when I walked in. Now, free coffee is a good thing, even though she became a co-dependent for my $3 per day habit, but it still makes me feel like I'm being treated like a lesser person. A few Oh-it's-okay-honey-I'll-take-care-of-it's might seem like I'm being helped, but I'm not a child. I'm a grown-ass man...well, not quite, but I'm getting there.]

If anything, I think Dr. Meyer's comments were a wakeup call to prepare myself for situations where my fluency is just as important as the content of what I am talking about. A few months ago I wrote about how I found it difficult to find motivation to practice speaking because I spend so much time by myself with few important speaking situations. With another presentation for her class on Thursday and with plenty of time and a little added pressure, I'm going to put more effort it and I expect the presentation to go well. She said if I do well on this one she will forget about the 3 on the first one. That should be motivation enough right there.

Toastmasters, Part Deux

2006-02-06T13:47:00.000-05:00

Quick update. Consider this the "More Cowbell" section of my blog.

Just got back from Marlboro. I gave my speech to the Toastmasters meeting today, and, as I guaranteed, won Best Speaker. Unfortunately, I get to keep the trophy for a week, then return it on Monday because they just recycle the same one every time. I think I'm going to parade it around Massachusetts like it was the Red Sox World Series Trophy. I did however, receive a ribbon congratulating me on a job well done for my first speech which is now on my bulletin board next to the picture of the Drink-O Board. Everyone seemed to like my speech. I talked about growing up stuttering and how I'm working to overcome it. I feel lucky that for any type of medium where I'm introducing myself and giving background, be it a speech or a personal statement for applying to college, I have a prepackaged topic ready to go. It was evaluated well and I was given criticism about how to improve it for next time, namely speaking louder and using more gestures. I think overall I did very well considering I wrote most of it this morning. For whatever reason, I have the ability to be honest and candid every time I speak or write (which is why, for better or worse, my blogs have always been so personal. I don't know any other way to be, it just seems fake if I don't tell the truth). People are usually drawn to me because of that, and I think it's a good thing. It shows that almost no matter what, I'm not trying to bullshit anyone.

On a conflicting note, Dr. Meyer emailed me today saying that she was concerned about my presentation last week in Aural Rehab, writing that we should "brainstorm ways to make it easier for [me] next time." I am not quite sure what she means, because I think I did a decent job with eye contact, projecting my voice, and getting all my points across. I stuttered a few times, but nothing that really took anything away from the presentation. I was the last person to speak and the class time was already up by the time I got up there, so I felt a little rushed. We'll talk on Wednesday to see what she means. I don't want to get all defensive on her and release the hounds, but I just won a goddamn trophy proving my skills as an orator are at least adequate. Unless she gives me some trophy or plaque that says "You Suck", I don't think she has a point.

I didn't get the score right (who does), but my Steelers pick was correct. I didn't think the game was any good. Was it me, or was that the most anticlimactic Superbowl in years? After it was over, the place seemed silent. Even though the crowd was 75% Steelers fans, it was dead in there. That's what you get for having two boring teams play the biggest game of the year in a boring city.

Peace.

Toastmasters, NSA, and The Superbowl

2006-02-04T19:26:00.000-05:00

This past week I finally accomplished a couple of goals that I'd been planning for months: attending a Toastmasters meeting and an NSA Stuttering Support Group meeting. It took me a while to finally get myself to go, but both were worth it.

Toastmasters, as I've explained before, is a public speaking organization. When I arrived at the meeting in Marlboro, I found out it was entirely comprised of middle-aged 3Com employees (a company I didn't think existed anymore, but maybe I was just thinking of the ballpark). I felt out of place but everyone in the group was very friendly and welcoming. Everyone seemed like seasoned public speakers, making eye contact and speaking with emotion even when discussing basic chapter functions. During a typical Toastmasters meeting, there are introductions, 2 people who give speeches based on the manual (you need to make 10 successful speeches before you are an official "Competent Toastmaster"), two people evaluate the speakers, one person times the speeches to make sure they are in the required range, an "Um" counter, and a section called Table Topics where people give 2-minute impromptu speeches based on topics given to them by another member. At the end of the meeting, speakers and the various jobs are chosen for the next meeting, and a vote is taken for the best speaker (the winner receiving a little glass trophy). During my first meeting, I didn't actually say anything, but I did volunteer to be a Speaker during the next meeting this Monday (something that drew Oohs and Ahhs from people who might not have expected me to be so forward immediately). As corny as it might be, I can never turn down a chance for a trophy. I think winning an award based on my speaking prowess would be pretty ironic. I'm writing a 5-minute speech about my background, my stuttering, and why I've chosen my field. It might not be the Heisman, (God, I wish it was the Heisman) but I think I have what it takes to win this week. I'm the Reggie Bush of public speaking. If anybody is in a corporate setting and needs to give presentations, I highly suggest Toastmasters, as there is probably a chapter near you, wherever you are. These people are serious about their public speaking, so if you want that promotion, Mr. Fancy Suit & Tie, go to www.toastmasters.org and find a meeting.

Second item on the agenda last Monday was the local NSA Stuttering Support Group meeting at Worcester State. Last semester my Monday class with Dr. Wicka really cramped my style and I never had the time or motivation to go, but this semester I am free those nights. Run by Dr. Melnick, the NSA meeting was very similar to the ones I had attended at UMass, but fewer people attended (four people total including myself and Dr. Melnick). We still talked about our stuttering and addressed some common topics. I was hoping for more people and hopefully next month there will be, but it was still nice to go and I feel like I'm getting involved again. Always a good feeling.

So that's what's been going on. I'll give my speech on Monday and I'll update everyone on how that goes (something tells me I'll need to buy some trophy-cleaner). My Superbowl pick is Pittsburgh to win outright, 31-17, over Seattle. As much as I want Seattle to win, Pittsburgh is a team of destiny: winning three on the road, Jerome Bettis, and Big Ben's cool under pressure. I don't like Seattle, but once the Patriots win again next year, people will forget about Seattle just like they forgot about Tampa Bay in 2003. In any case, if the Pats can't win it this year, at least Indy won't either. We can thank the Steelers for that.

Till next week.

My Father, The Hero

2006-01-30T10:04:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went home to administer a language test to my sister (which took far longer than it should have, because when asked to create sentences with words that I gave her, she came up with smart-ass responses like "Let us both go to the matinee!") My ulterior motive for going home was to speak with my dad about stuttering. After speaking with Dr. Melnick, he mentioned to me that my father would be a good resource for dealing with the mental aspects of how to not let stuttering stop you, despite the fact that he had received no therapy. I had never really thought about it, I always made sure to mention "Well, my father also stutters" when I explain my stuttering to people, but I had never even thought about the fact that we never once spoke about it.

I had always viewed my father as someone who was very successful. He is a great father and provides very well for our family, is a great manager of people and the towns he works for, and has a good group of golfing buddies he spends a lot of time with. He was an unbelievable athlete in high school and college and though he was never drafted, certainly had the chance to play baseball on the professional level. If you've spent any amount of time with me, I've probably told many of his stories that he's told me: how he played with Jerry Remy in Little League, and after Remy moved they were rivals in high school, each was the best player in their respective towns (I never know if I have the pitching line right, but I think my dad threw a 3-hit shutout of Somerset, and the three hits were three triples by The RemDawg). He lost a Cape Cod League playoff game 1-0 against future major league closer Jeff Reardon, and he was still on the Wareham Gatemen's all-time ERA list until future Cy Young winner Barry Zito knocked him out of the top-ten a few years ago. He was thrown out of basketball practice by then-assistant head coach (now head coach and all-time great) Jim Boeheim while at Syracuse (he used to watch the practices at Providence College and when he went to graduate school in Syracuse, he assumed he could do the same, but when Boeheim saw him in the stands he yelled "Hey, get the fuck out of here!"). When he played high school basketball, the opposing coach at Westport High School was Jim Calhoun, now of UConn fame. There are countless stories that I tell all of my friends, just to say that my dad had done those things. I'm sure people get sick of them because I tell them so much. It sounds like I'm bragging--and I am--but I'm very proud of my father and maybe deep down I wish I had my own sports heroics, but since I don't I try to live vicariously through his memories. He's pitched in Fenway Park and played basketball in the Boston Garden, both as part of high school all-star games. Part of me feels like because I gave up on sports so quickly when I was younger that I disappointed him. I know that isn't true and he's told me that a hundred times, but I still wish I had my own sports stories to tell (at least ones that don't involve me breaking my nose at baseball camp).

What has always amazed me about my father is that despite the fact that he stutters, he has a job where he is in the public eye, at least on the local level. He is in the newspaper routinely, his job interviews are on television, and gets recognized by people he doesn't even know all over Plymouth (including police officers who let him out of speeding tickets, a luxury I don't have). If Plymouth became a city and there was an election for mayor (which has been debated), my dad would win in a landslide, and that isn't an exaggeration (though he has said he has no interest in being mayor: "Instead of golfing on Saturday mornings, I'd be cutting a ribbon at some convention center.") I had always assumed that because of his job and success in that job, he had conquered his fear of speaking, something I have yet to do.

In our 23 years as father-and-son, my dad and I never once had a conversation about the part of our lives that connects us the most. Because I have spent so much time around him, I tend not to notice it after a while, but he doesn't stutter as often or as seriously as I do when I have a bad block. After my conversation with Dr. Melnick, I decided it would be a good idea to get the ball rolling. I wrote him an email a few months ago suggesting we talk, and he responded favorably. However, during my time home over Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday, I was afraid to bring it up. I wasn't afraid of his reaction, but when talking about something touchy, it's hard to throw it into a conversation about football. I made it a point to email my dad and make plans to go out to lunch to specifically talk about stuttering. We went to the 99 on Saturday afternoon, and had the best, most meaningful conversation we have ever had.

We learned more about each other in that 1-hour conversation than we had in 23 years. He told me he never once talked about stuttering with anyone other than my mother. I finally got to tell him my thoughts about therapy, why it works sometimes and other times not, and why I don't want to feel pressure to speak fluently when I'm home with my family, something that always confused him. I got to learn about his fears, he got to learn about mine, and we both learned how similar we really are. Growing up, we always butted heads about seemingly nothing, no doubt as an underlying symptom of the guilt we both shared about each other's stuttering. I know it hurt him that I gave up on things when I was younger, because he felt the same way and wanted me to have opportunities that he didn't have. He told me about the guilt he carried with him about being genetically responsible for my stuttering, and it felt good for me to relieve him of that. I told him that it hurt to feel pressured to speak at home with the people who should accept me no matter how I speak. He said that even though he was a great athlete and accomplished in his life, he still experienced the same self-esteem problems I had, proof that no matter how talented you are in different areas of your life, the pain that stuttering is pervasive enough to cancel that out. All in all, it was the best conversation I've ever had with anyone.

There always used to be something separating my father and I. We were close in one way, but very far apart in another. By having this conversation I think we made the connection that was missing. Before I left for Worcester yesterday, we had a sad goodbye, but I know we are both happier now because we finally understand each other after all these years.

Podcast

2006-01-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm out of my post-Christmas lull and motivated once again. I just celebrated my 23rd birthday, classes (and therefore productivity) have started again, my sister gave me a new baby guinea pig to keep me company around the apartment, I've been hitting the gym pretty hard, and I'll start working again before I know it. All of this has brought me back to life and I'm starting to feel like I did earlier in the fall.

With all of this motivation comes the podcast I've been planning for months and I've been working pretty hard to get that completed. It will be called "Fluencycast: A Podcast for People Who Stutter." I've decided on this title due to the fact that "Pat's Stupid Mouth" is too ambiguous and would not be recognized immediately in a directory such as iTunes or iPodder. I started this blog as a way of expressing myself to my friends, but the podcast is not going to be something that friends will find that interesting, especially if you don't already listen to podcasts in the first place. My goal is that other people who stutter will enjoy it and will find it to be supportive and sympathetic. I recorded several demos and uploaded one to iTunes, but it only shows a 1-minute clip and my voice sounds terrible (I definitely need to work on my Radio Voice). If you search for it at the iTunes Music Store, you can find it, but don't bother downloading it because that version currently sucks (though it is cool to actually be listed on iTunes, and it's still better than "Laffy Taffy"). I'll ask the guy from Middlebury who set up the first feed for me to create a new one with the new name. There are so many steps to podcasting that I didn't realize, but I am learning more about it thanks to the "Podcasting for Dummies" book I bought. I am hoping to have a good version of that within two weeks. As time goes on I'll buy a better microphone and better recording software and I'll get the hang of hosting a show. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, I've decided to scrap the plans for the website for now. I purchased the domain, but I'm realizing that anything posted on the site could be posted on this blog, including links and pictures. I also don't like the name "Pat's Stupid Mouth" anymore. I think it's catchy, but overall I've gotten tired of it and it doesn't seem professional. I'm eating the $19.95 per year or whatever it cost, but the effort it would take to build the site would not be worth the content at this point. Thanks to those who offered to help.

My stuttering still has not improved lately, but I have not practiced at all and I am not as concerned with it right now. I am trying to stutter more openly with people. Practicing with a tape recorder by myself gives me some carryover, but what I need to do is become more comfortable talking to anyone whether I stutter or not, and with that comfort should come better fluency. One thing Dr. Melnick told me is that stuttering therapy should be used for when you do not want to stutter, not necessarily for everyday speech. That is something I've written about and always believed but it felt good to hear from someone else who stutters, especially someone with his Ph.D. in the subject.

I have contacted Toastmasters to see if I could attend their meeting tomorrow morning (January 19), and though they have not returned my email yet, I am going to show up and see what happens assuming I can find the place. Speaking in front of strangers will be a great way to desensitize myself to what other people think, and it could really help prepare myself when I record future podcasts.

The next NSA meeting is January 30, and now that I don't have class on Monday nights, I can finally attend that as well and I am really looking forward to it.

My old friend Brandon told me freshman year that, "the more you sit, the more life sucks." Sitting around for the last month or two has been rough, but now that I'm back in a routine and meaningful things are getting accomplished (and a baby guinea pig is running around my apartment), things are looking brighter.

Till next time.

Purple Pills

2006-01-05T23:22:00.000-05:00

I've had a hard time thinking of topics to write about lately. I've written about many stuttering-related issues from my experiences. I'm sure friends who read this aren't exactly waiting with bated breath for every new blog I write (because seriously, how interested can a non-stutterer be?), but I enjoy this as a way to get things off my chest and help explain to people what happens to me when I talk and why I feel the way that I feel about it sometimes. I have always felt like a misunderstood person, and this is the best way for me to express my feelings. Lately, though, I haven't felt very good. I started writing this as a first step to promote stuttering awareness and eventually become a voice in the stuttering community. At first I felt really positive, but my outlook has been different.

I haven't been able to get a word out in a few weeks. I am in the middle of a stretch where my fluency is very bad and I've stopped wanting to talk because of how tiring it is and how much it hurts. I can't seem to control my breathing, I can't start anything smoothly, and when I do get words out, they are very fast and out of control. My SpeechEasy hasn't helped lately because of how severe my intial blocks are, though when I am around people I still wear it. The two weeks home for Christmas were nice at first, but again I became very bored and depressed, and I feel like my fluency went the way of my mood. I am currently dogsitting, which will be a few bucks for the week, but I'm spending it with a minature schnauzer named Watson, a Grishom novel, and omelettes seemingly at every meal. My energy levels and motivation to work on my speech are much lower than they were for the first few months of the school year, and I attribute this to the isolation. Who knows, maybe this is just downtime and I will pick myself up and get back in gear once school starts, but sometimes I worry that I will always be a tortured soul, no matter how much I say I want to change.

My landlord slipped a newspaper article under my door the other day about an experimental medication for stuttering. I called the number to see if I qualified, but the closest research site is in New York City. The medication is a failed psychiatric drug for panic attacks called Pagaclone, but the experimenters noted that several of the subjects who stuttered had drastic improvements when they were on the medication, but once taken off, went back to their pre-study stuttering severity. Obviously, I am intrigued by this. Actually, "intrigued by" doesn't really cut it here. Considering how badly I've stuttered lately and how bad I've felt, the correct phrase would be "desperate for." If this medicine gets approved by the FDA, I will be popping pills like I was...Lindsay Lohan! As much as I want to think I have improved my opinions about my own stuttering, the fact that I am praying to get this pill as another potential cure shows that I'm not where I need to be. There is a difference between working on stuttering and improving it and being free of it. I've written about this a lot, but so much time needs to be spent on maintaining fluency that a lot of the enjoyment of speaking is lost. Going for a drive is fun, but you lose some enjoyment if you don't take your eyes of the speedometer and white-knuckle the steering wheel while keeping your hands on 10 and 2 the whole time. You just want to let loose, and let loose without the bumper falling of the back if you step on the gas too hard. I imagine there is a certain freedom in just being able to speak your mind, raise your hand, tell a timely joke, interject, interupt, introduce yourself, give a speech, talk to a girl, or anything that fluent people take for granted. I know I'm lying to myself, and in my heart I am getting my hopes up, thinking that this Pagaclone pill will some day cure me and others, and that if I am in fact cured of my stuttering that I will be happy. Because of course, the only people in the world who feel depressed are those who stutter...that's completely rational thinking...

All of that being said, it still comes down to my choice of whether or not to let my stuttering hold my back. Earlier in the year, I chose not to let it, and I had some improvements. Nothing life-changing, but I was making progress. Right now, I've been an excuse machine. "I need my old practice tape!" turned into "I need my SpeechEasy!" which has now turned into "I need these pills!" Bill Parcells once said, "if you give your players an excuse to lose, they will." That's why football coaches don't talk about injuries and off-the-field distractions, because once you admit that something other than preparation and effort will have an effect on the outcome, the team will most likely lose the game. It's just what happens. That's why Belichick doesn't talk about how the team is crippled, he responds with, "Every team has injuries. Injuries are a part of football." The Patriots have had major players injured in the past and they've won three Superbowls in the last four years. If ever there was a better example of why not to give excuses for poor performance, I'd like to hear it.

I know the right path to take to accept both my stuttering and myself as a stutterer, and it isn't a quick fix. But when deep down all you want is to talk normal just like everyone else, you can't help but keep looking for the magic device or pill. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to do it the right way, but if I don't I'll be a bad example and a fraud.

Why do I always feel like I'm sitting on the fence?

The SpeechEasy (with ramblings)

2005-12-06T18:53:00.000-05:00

We're coming down to the wire for my first semester of grad school. Finals are next week and then it's home for Christmas. I'm treading water right now but I know it will turn out fine. It's hard to shake old study habits, but I'm putting my nose to the grindstone, taking the bull by the horns, and any other expression that fits there. I've got 2 real finals, a take-home exam that I can bang out pretty easily, and a bunch of KASA stuff to finish. Sometimes it feels like I have too much to do, other times I don't feel too over-burdened. In any case, it will all get done before next Thursday for my artic final.

My life has been boring as hell without work. It was nice at first to be able to wake up at a reasonable time and not have anything to do, but I think I'm going crazy. If I'm not studying or writing a paper I watch SpikeTV all day or my Simpsons DVDs. I've been looking for another job, preferably one that would require me to interact with people in some way so I can get more experience. I'd be lying if I said I had worked at golf courses my whole life for any other reason than I was afraid of stuttering. I was told about an assistantship that would pay for my tuition plus a big stipend, but it looks as though that has fallen through, leaving me with my pockets turned out. I've applied to Bally's, thinking I could cancel my membership and work out for free, plus it would get me to the gym and I could stay late and lift, because the hardest part for me right now is just getting there. That could be a possibility but I'm not getting my hopes up. If nothing happens, I'll probably just find some hospital or clinic to observe. I would love to see an early intervention clinic. I always talk about how that's what I want to do, but I've never been to one and I don't really know what happens there. It just sounds cool.

Speaking of early intervention, my personal philosophy for speech therapy right now is: get them in EI before they know what's going on, or don't bother offering services until they are self-referred and actually motivated to do something. I started thinking about this after we read an excerpt from the book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris in artic class. Sedaris is an angry gay man with a lisp who wrote about his experiences in speech therapy. The chapter we read did not speak very highly of my field, but I understood everything he was talking about. He had the mentality of "Why do you want to change me?" and how his SLP wasn't friendly and didn't develop any rapport. When you're working with someone who doesn't necessarily want to change, you will make ZERO progress. I like to think that as an SLP, it will be my job to show my clients what they need to do to progress, but after that it's up to the client to follow through. I think the percentage is 20% "How"(from the SLP) and 80% "Why" (from the client). Most of the time I spent in therapy was passive on my part. I didn't practice outside of my sessions(while lying and saying I did), nor did I really put forth any effort in the real world. So I've definitely been in the position that Sedaris was, and I still feel that way sometimes. I get spurts of motivation to improve my stuttering depending on my situation at the time, but then I almost feel a sense of guilt as to why I'm trying to change "who I am". Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, right? Unfortunately, the reality is there is a social stigma against people who stutter, so if I want to do well socially, I'm going to have to change somehow. I try to remind myself that this is important in how I present myself, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. What makes i so hard to change is that it's a physical feeling, not a mindset at this point.

I go to a lot of message boards for people who stutter, and one I saw was from a man who brought up the "stuttering gene" and if at some future point they could fix it before birth, it would create a "master race" of fluent speakers and ruin the whole idea of stuttering, saying this is "who we are" and we should "have fun with it." I responded to him telling him using the term "master race" was inappropriate, and if they could eliminate stuttering, they should. I don't necessarily think there's anything heroic about going through life stuttering. If it's what I've been dealt, so be it, but if there was a pill, shot, DNA transplant, or device that could fix it instantly, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Speaking of magic devices, I got my SpeechEasy back from the supplier the other day, and I'm excited. I wrote about the SpeechEasy in my first blog, but to review, it's a tiny earpiece that looks like a hearing aid and with its microphone it takes my voice and repeats it in my ear a fraction of a second later, changing the frequency to make it sound like I'm speaking along with someone else. When I first got it in September of 2003, my expectations were very high. I told myself it wouldn't cure my stuttering, but I still had that thought in mind and even if it didn't fix it 100%, it would still change my life, my friendships, and my relationships because it would allow to be free with whatever I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. It worked well at first and I was happy with it, though there were many problems.

First, there is a lot of background noise because the microphone picks up every sound--not just my voice--and amplifies it. I found it very difficult to wear in loud environments, such as bars, parties, restaurants...and all the social settings I wanted to be able to speak fluently. The earpiece goes in my left ear, so it also gave me a hearing loss from the outside which is what we in the biz call the "occlusion effect". It's the reason why if you plug your ears you can hear yourself louder. The other thing is, you don't just put it in and the stuttering magically goes away, it takes a lot of focus and practice. I have to pay attention to the altered voice in my ear and my speech just flows from there. So if you think about it, I have to listen to what I just said a nanosecond after I said it, while continuing to speak....yea, that's real easy. The technology definitely works, it's a matter of focus, and like I've explained, it's not easy to focus all the time. After a few weeks I started wearing it less and less, and at some point I just stopped wearing it altogether. Because of my expectations and lack of discipline, I was very dissapointed in the SpeechEasy.

I didn't even think about wearing it until earlier this year when I realized the microphone was broken. I sent it out to get repaired and after a month it returned good as new (actually, the more I look at it, it looks completely brand new, which is nice at no repair charge). I've worn it all week and it's helped. I'm happier with it now because I realize it will not cure me, but I do get a benefit from it, especially in conversations. I've found myself talking more, and in my artic presentation yesterday I think I did pretty well considering I was nervous (until the end when I really didn't know what the hell I was talking about). The background noise is actually enjoyable for some reason, it's like hearing everyone talk like a Chipmunk and I think it's hilarious. I have to keep myself from laughing. I'm much happier with the SpeechEasy now, and I love wearing it.

Of course now if I need some social (preferrably dating) settings to use it in. I don't plan on barhopping alone because I just feel creepy. This apartment is big and could use a woman's touch. I was just thinking how I really dropped the ball over the summer by not asking that girl Caitlin out again. We went to dinner and the movies and I had a really good time, but after she dodged my goodnight kiss I wasn't sure if she was interested anymore, so I never asked her out again, wondering if she would ask me instead. I'm kicking myself for that, because she was really hot...

Seems like a good place to stop. Till next time.

Under Pressure...

2005-11-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

Better loosen up your schedule if you plan on reading this whole blog...

So I haven't written in this for a while because I've had more work than ever before. Grad school is hard, I'm not doing as well as I thought I would be and I'm having to work harder, which will pay off, but I'm still stressed out. I was home in Plymouth for the past 10 days which was really nice, and though I was getting bored at the end, I'm back here and kind of wish I was home again. Seriously, it's lonely here. There really aren't many people around to talk to, and now that I'm done with work I won't have much to do other than study and work out (which I haven't exactly been diligent about lately) until I go home for Christmas. As much as I enjoy the privacy and independence of living alone in a pimped-out apartment, it gets very, very lonely, and I miss having Ethan, Andy, and Mike around to hang out with. I wish they lived down the street or something. It sucks going to bars alone, and since none of the girls in my program are exactly peaking my interest (save for that one uber-hottie, but I don't know her name and a girl that fine has got to have a boyfriend or two...), I don't feel like pursuing anything there. I'm done with work until March, which is both good because I have more time to devote to finals, but also sucks because I won't have any money coming in for a while and I'll get bored easier. I wasn't accomplishing anything meaningful at Tatnuck, but at least it was some kind of movement. (My biggest regret about UMass was not having a part-time job at any point there, I would have had more money and wouldn't have felt lousy about sitting around bored all day, which lead to a boatload of new problems. Hopefully I'll be able to curb my spending and keep busy in other productive ways.)

Anyway, I don't want to complain, things just feel very weird right now. I got back today and I immediately felt homesick. Physically, I just feel different. I'm groggy and my eyes are unfocused, but that could just be from the stress and that fact that I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks and ate nothing but junk and turkey for the duration of my time home. I haven't found a rhythm for practicing my speech and have had no motivation to even though I haven't been able to get a word out for a few weeks. My breathing is way off and I'm talking too fast, and even though I was home with my family and wanted to be fluent with them, I did not put a full effort in and only practiced once. I have had a really hard time answering the phone lately which is odd, because that's something I can usually do. I let Molly pick the phone up a few times, which I'm not proud of. At Thanksgiving we passed the phone around to talk to my cousin Pam who just had another baby (Colby Griffin Hartman...He's cute, but I guess we're just throwing the name Griffin into first- and middle-name slots now, apparently), and when it was my turn to talk I could barely say anything, and even though it was just my family it was embarrassing. I've been trying to figure out what to do.

One of the things I am mostly interested in right now is the psychology of why people do or do not do anything. If anybody has heard of the success guru/motivational speaker Anthony Robbins, that is what most of his stuff is about, and I've taken to it quite a bit. At the end of last year I was looking on Limewire to find audiobooks to listen to rather than just music all the time, and his name popped up. I had seen his infomercials on late-night TV and he looked wicked corny, and the whole idea self-help looks tailor-made for losers, so I kept it on the DL. But I figured, I've found it for free, a bunch of athletes and business moguls co-sign him, might as well give it a shot. I downloaded all of his programs and listened to them. Each mp3 is about 30 minutes and has lame super-hero-type music at the start, which is just embarrassing to listen to. However, the verdict is, yes, it's corny , too idealistic, and over-the-top, but he also makes a ton of sense about how the mind works and has a lot of effective ways on improving your life, and the guy is incredibly motivating. His biggest points are basic and common-sense, but he puts them in a way that actually makes you believe and apply them. He talks about things like gratitude for what you have, accountability, goal-setting, having a clear idea of what you want, giving to others instead of asking from them, contributing to society, growing and maturing, managing your emotions, positive thinking, continually raising your standards, and finding your purpose. His diet-and-exercise plan is complete bullshit and I haven't had a chance to really apply any of the financial stuff yet, but other than that, I've enjoyed listening to him.

You have to figure most people in life dislike where they are, as shown by obesity, depression, the divorce rate, drug addiction, alcoholism, suicide, and things like that. If you look at the characteristics of the few people who are happy and fulfilled, they live by most of the principles that Tony Robbins talks about. If you don't think that way naturally, he is a great way to start. Sometimes I don't like where I am, though I am getting the ball rolling. I've made some changes since starting to listen to him, though not as many in my behaviors as in the way I think. I've learned to appreciate what I have in the moment rather than always waiting for something good to come along to be happy. Some of the changes I've made include this blog, the future website and podcast, finding the golf course job myself, working on my stuttering, and treating people better. I think my biggest goal is to be a significant voice in the stuttering community, much like Marty was. I want to go to the conferences and have people know who I am and gives keynote speeches and let people know that I am working my ass off to make a difference for other people who stutter. That's why I want my podcast to be as good as possible and why I promote the hell out of these little projects. These are all things I wouldn't have thought to do before. I also have a lot of other smaller goals that I wrote about before, such as learning to play piano (I'm big into Coldplay right now), learning how to work on my car, and giving change to the homeless people in Worcester I see every day. Little things like that add up and make me feel like I'm contributing even if it's on a small scale. My goals list is always changing, but the point is I'm at least thinking in the right direction even if I haven't physically shook the world yet (my book will be good though. Hell, this entry is probably 3 chapters worth).

Anyway, I brought this up because the all-encompassing issue he talks about is that people basically operate based on what gives them pain and what gives them pleasure, and will live their lives accordingly. But pain is more powerful than pleasure, so people will avoid the pain more often than pursue the pleasure. If a person is overweight and wishes they were thinner but does nothing, it's because they associate more pain to actually dieting and exercising than to staying the way they are. They only truly make the change because it hurts more to stay overweight than to lose it. I felt that personally in high school when I finally decided to lose weight after years of wanting to. People procrastinate because it is painful to do their work right away than to do anything else, but the night before the paper is due they realize it will hurt more to not do the work, so they cannot procrastinate any longer, another thing I've felt personally. I will not approach a girl at a bar, because I'd rather go home alone than go through the whole ordeal of possibly being rejected, even though she could end up being my wife and the rejection will only hurt for a few minutes. If you look at situations in your own life, there are probably similarities. I feel like the reason I do not practice my speaking as much as I probably should is because my stuttering does not hurt as much as actually putting forth a full effort. The times I am very diligent about practice are when the thought of stuttering really hurts, such as in class or in the future with a client. I'm going to tie in the the loneliness paragraphs because I spend most of my time here by myself. Since I am alone all the time, there is not often a reason to practice speaking. Sure, I could make times to practice in the real world, and occasionally I do, but it isn't that simple. Everyone knows how important it is to exercise and eat right, but does everyone do it? Of course not. A lot of guys bulk up in the winter and cut down in the summer, because there's no pressure to be really trim in the winter, so we can eat more and pack on more muscle and fat. However once summer arrives it's time to start getting leaner for the beach. It's why girls go nuts to try to lose weight for Spring Break. If you don't, there will be consequences. If you want to really accomplish something there has to be more pain to not doing it than to following through. So by and large, making time to apply practice in the real world will not stick because for me, if it doesn't feel authentic I won't do it. I have a job where my speaking does not matter and once I'm out of work I fly solo for the rest of the day. If I had a job where I needed to deal with people, such as being a salesman where I'm selling something and it's important how I present myself, there is pressure and motivation to speak fluently. I will feel the pressure when I start clinic and I am working with actual clients and want to practice what I preach. Right now I'm comfortable, just like I feel comfortable being a little doughy because it's winter and I'm not going to the beach any time soon. I get little spurts of motivation, but they leave within a few days.

The easy answer would be to find situations where I have no choice but to follow through, such as finding a salesman job, but the golf course job is so conducive to my grad school workload that it's not worth it to rearrange everything. I'm hoping that once I start the podcast, Toastmasters, and the NSA meetings this week that I will feel the pressure again. Being comfortable feels good, but in the grand scheme of your life, you will only be happy if you feel the pressure to move forward. I'm too comfortable...

Accountability and Voluntary Stuttering

2005-11-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

Good news, I've purchased www.patsstupidmouth.com, so that is officially mine. Look for that over the winter.

This past week I've been thinking about the concept of my accountability for my stuttering. I was at a message board and I posted a question about how nervous I get when I approach someone, and how it just "happens to me." Without even considering that someone would disagree with that thought process, someone responded by asking me why I "choose" to stutter. The person (who does not stutter) brought up how people who stutter are responsible for the way they talk and have somehow brought it into their own lives subconsciously. My immediate reaction was "what does this guy know? he doesn't stutter, he doesn't know how it feels, how dare he..." and so on. I decided not to respond to allow myself to cool off and think about what he was saying before I put my foot in my mouth.

After thinking about it for a couple days, I have realized I am much more accountable for the way I talk than I would like to think. I have said that my stuttering does not necessarily mean that I am nervous, and it hurts when people immediately assume that and write me off as a nervous, bumbling idiot. The more I think about it, that isn't entirely accurate. When I am nervous, I stutter MUCH more than normal, and since there are situations where I always seem to stutter more than others, there is a connection to how nervous I am whether it is conscious or subconscious. I have a lot of trouble approaching someone, male or female (which is why I hate to do it), making phone calls to places I don't know (calls to places I know are much easier), and asking a favor of someone (which I absolutely hate doing. I was having a conversation with my friend Jillian in class and because of my comfort level my fluency was very good, but I wanted to have her call our friend Kate to get me a coffee before our next class, I had a hard time asking that. After she told me to make the call myself with her phone, I cowardly sent a text-message to Kate, because I was nervous about her not realizing it was me calling her from Jillian's phone. However now that Kate has my number I would be alright with calling her myself), approaching an authority figure (boss, teacher, etc), being put "on the spot" (ordering at a restaurant, being called on in class when I don't expect it) and other situations like that. In the past I have described it as an unconscious anxiety when I don't feel any normal nervous feelings like a fast heartbeat or sweating or anything like that, but it is still nervousness. I try to think about the times when I am most fluent, and they have been when I am hanging out with friends talking about sports and life in general (though not always, there are times when I can't get any words out at all with friends sometimes and I don't know where that comes from). Once I reach a comfort zone with someone and we are just talking, I rarely stutter (the person I probably stuttered the least with in my life was Jaylynn. At most, maybe a handful of times.) If there are times when I am expected to talk or in somehow "impress" someone on a minor level (such as telling a good story or a joke with a punchline) it is very hard because there is some amount of pressure on me, but when we're just shooting the shit or talking about the weather or how a local sports team blew a game (or the whole damn franchise, Lucchino...bastard) , I am fine. I have a lot of my problems with new people because I am afraid of how they will react when they are caught off-guard by my head movements and such, but after it happens and they see it, I am more relaxed and the anxiety goes away and so does the stuttering.

So the moral of the story is, if I'm stuttering, I am either nervous or subconsiously nervous, forget all that other "it just happens for no apparant reason" business. I am going to believe that it's not my fault that I have a neurological (and in my opinion, hereditary, though some people claim it's not proven. Hey, I've got a father and a close relative who stutter as well, I'm comfortable saying there is a genetic link in my situation) predisposition to stutter, but I am accountable for how I handle it and how my thoughts and emotions contribute to it, as well as how much effort I really put into correcting it. If I focus my thoughts on "what will this person think of me and how will they react" I am going to get nervous, but if I think "I am in control of this" than I will be. The problem lies in that it's not that simple to actually put into action, and this is where desensitization and voluntary stuttering comes into play.

Voluntary stuttering is a technique used a lot by people who stutter, especially in the first stages of therapy, in order to desensitize his or herself to the shame and hatred of the stuttering. I'll put it this way: STUTTERING SUCKS! There is nothing fun about it, it's embarrassing, it's tiring, and it just plain sucks! END OF STORY! My life has clearly been very affected by it in every possible way. If I let it, it completely controls me, as evidenced by my younger years and some of the residual shame and anxiety that I still have today. The theory behind it is that if WE are controlling the stuttering, not the other way around. WE will make people wait as long as we want by intentionally prolonging what we say and creating repetitions. Once you have gotten over other people's reactions, the nervousness stops coming and you will not stutter as much. What happens with me sometimes is that I know how to control my stuttering, but in the moment of speaking slower and stretching out syllables and taking my time, it almost feels like a hassle to others because I am intentionally making them wait. I find that this entire thought process happens in a split-second and in the heat of the moment I would rather just FORCE it out than apply what I know how to do. Since it happens so fast, it feels like I'm on auto-pilot and have no say in the matter. I think that's why so many people find it difficult to apply techniques in real life because they haven't addressed that. It's easy to say it just happens and you can't control it, but it's a matter of will and practice. If my goal was to completely stop stuttering than I could do that with enough practice, dedication, and direction. The problem is, that's not my goal, and I'm not exactly sure what my goal is. Right now I am trying to walk the line between "being comfortable with myself no matter what" and "I want to improve the way I speak" which is hard, because if am truly comfortable, what drive do I have to change? I have been reading more about voluntary stuttering from yahoo! group message boards and the like, and people say it REALLY helps. I tried it a few times in therapy last year when I would make phone calls, and I didn't really like it. Sure, it did give me a little rush and was not as bad as I thought it would be, but I still didn't really like the feeling of intentionally making someone wait. I hate to make someone wait intentionally. I don't like to be late for dates, class, work, or anything where people are depending on me to get there on time, and this includes talking. I do not mind actually stuttering in front of people because, at least according to my old way of thinking, "there's nothing I can do about it" so I don't worry about it in some situations, but if I have to do it intentionally, I HATE it (have you noticed me CAPITALIZING to show emphasis?). The thing is that this is all about being in control and making people wait, which is a new concept to me. I am going to decide to give it another try--at least on a small level--at first and the more I read about it and if I do have success with it, I'll continue to use it.

In other news, I've decided to get my SpeechEasy fixed, so it's been sent out and I should find out when I get it back and how much it's going to cost me, but the good thing is I'm getting it fixed on my own dime, not my dad's. He has already spent too much money on my stuttering that I haven't put the effort into, so it's on me now to take care of myself (more on that another time). I anticipate being both more willing/able to use it here as opposed to UMass because of the background noise factor and the motivation factor, so I will let you know how that goes.

Enough for now, peace.

Hustler's Ambition

2005-10-25T11:16:00.000-04:00

This isn't a real entry, just updating a few things. Since I'm a bigger self-promoter than P.T. Barnum and Vince McMahon combined, I'm on the verge turning this into a full-on website, at PatsStupidMouth.com in a few months, complete with links, Q&A's, interviews, pictures, and stuff like that. I've been sending this link out to stuttering message boards and Yahoo! groups with a lot of positive feedback so far, which means my audience is both growing and changing from initially my friends to other people who stutter as well as SLPs, so I'm excited for that. Also, podcasts being the new craze in communication (I think I listen to about 20...), I figure that would be a good forum (what better way to talk about stuttering than to talk about stuttering?) Once I figure that out I'll have one of those up (it would be awesome to actually be listed on iTunes). Look out for both the website and the podcast by February 2006...I seem pretty happy that I finally found my niche in life, huh? Stay tuned...

International Stuttering Awareness Day

2005-10-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

**For those of you who don’t know, Saturday, October 22nd is International Stuttering Awareness Day. As a person who stutters and a future speech-language pathologist, I feel it is my duty to promote awareness of the fluency disorder that affects upwards of 2.6 million people in the United States alone. Please show your support by sending a blank check made out to “cash” to:

Patrick L Griffin
14 Randolph Road, Apt. 2B
Worcester, MA 01606

Thank you. Your donations will be put towards a new plasma television for my apartment, a pair of subwoofers, and a tricked-out exhaust system for my car.

I've decided not to write about hip-hop in this because I wrote the draft and it made no real sense, so that has been scrapped.

Today, under the suggestion of the graduate program, I had my fluency evaluated. I was found to have "very mild" stuttering, and in addition to refresher sessions in fluency they suggested that I attend NSA meetings to work on becoming more comfortable with my stuttering to alleviate the nervousness that I feel sometimes. At first I thought "well I'm comfortable with it, so I don't really need to," then realizing that I'm comfortable talking about it, but not necessarily feeling it when the heat is on.

Today's evaluation, plus the DVD from the National Stuttering Association about covert stuttering that I watched today, has made me realized that I am not nearly as open about my stuttering as I would like to think. I have been trying to promote myself as someone who is comfortable and overt, but I realize that I still have many aspects of a covert stutterer. I avoid making more phone calls than I admit to here. My phone "conveniently" does not get reception in my apartment, so if I have to make a phone call to some place I don't know, I have an excuse. I've sent emails to people that I could have and should have called back (including to the clinic). I've driven to pizza places and ordered in person rather than call (I could call Wings because I knew the order of questions they asked, so I was comfortable). All of these things I have found other reasons to avoid them rather than because of stuttering.

No more. I'm calling to order pizza tonight, I'm calling to find out where my loan check is, and I'm calling to get my iPod fixed. I'm going to go to Toastmasters for their next meeting. I need to find a job that forces me to deal with people, not just hide at a golf course because "the hours work for me". I'm going to answer the phone at work when it rings (even though it will just be my boss telling me he's going to be late). I'm going to go to NSA meetings and cookouts and meet people who have shared things I've been through, and all of the shit I said I wouldn't do last week. If any of you call me for any reason and I don't call back, yell at me.

One of the things I've learned from reading material about psychology, if you want to make a change in your life, you need to associate enough pain to staying the same and enough pleasure to changing. When I got back into therapy in high school, it was right after I had watched a video tape in English class of a presentation we had made, and I had seen myself stutter for the first time. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. I went home that day, cried, and told my mom I wanted to try therapy again. Right now, I feel miserable because I've been avoiding things I've acted like I haven't because I rationalize other reasons not to do them. So now I feel like a fake. Hopefully this combined with being more involved in the stuttering community (which still feels weird to say) will make me embrace it more. I've been talking a big game with little action so far, because I feel so conditioned to being afraid of what people will think when I talk. This is something I will need a lot of support with, so please give me a kick in the ass.

Also, here is a link to the Iceberg analogy of stuttering that should explain a lot of what it is like to stutter: http://www.russhicks.com/iceberg.htm.

For next time, if anyone has any questions they want me to answer, or has a topic they want me to bring up, please ask.

The Support Group

2005-10-11T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today I'm writing about the concept of the stuttering support group. I have a ton of work I need to do including writing a research paper, reading, studying for two exams, and getting some more hearing testing done (graduate school is hard, kids), as well as 35 hours a week working for Idiot & Co. at Tatnuck Country Club. So though I usually put a lot of time writing these out, editing, et cetera, this entry won't be as long.

While at UMass I attended the local chapter of the National Stuttering Association, which met once a month on campus. I attended these meetings off and on because my attitude about the concept of a "support group" fluctuated fairly routinely. I don't know about anyone else but when I think of a "support group" for anything, I picture a group of people sitting around sobbing about their problems, like in Fight Club. After my dad had his gastric bypass surgery, he had to go to a support group to talk about his new diet and how he was dealing with it to make sure that he lost as much weight as possible. He had the same feelings that I had about attending a group like that, there are stereotypes about a support group that imply weakness. The stuttering support group I attended was not like that at all, but I still feel hesitant about it sometimes. The meetings were open to anyone in the area who stuttered and to any graduate students who wanted to observe and learn more about stuttering. We talked about our experiences and how we deal with them. They were very refreshing to meet other people who had dealt with the same difficulties that I have been through. Outside of my father and my cousin Griffin (who, now that I think about it, don't think stutters anymore. He might just have had normal childhood disfluencies that most children have, but I'm not sure), I have never met anyone in the real world who stutters. Marty Jezer, who's book I mentioned earlier, was one of the leaders of the group before he got sick with cancer and passed away. It was always fun to hear his stories, and again, his book Stuttering: A Life Bound Up In Words is a great read.

(One thing in the book that made me jump out of my chair was when he talked about being a guinea pig for an experiment about a stuttering theory at the time. The theory at the time was that the brain wiring crossed at the wrong point, which confused the mouth, tongue, lips, and all the other articulators. The reason for the theory was that Marty had the very rare attribute of being able to throw a baseball left-handed but swing a bat from the right side of the plate. I flipped at that because I do that, too and Marty is the only other person I have met who does that. I remember as a kid I would look through all of my baseball cards trying to find one that said "Bat: R Throw: L" and after looking through the thousands of cards I had, the only player who threw and batted the way I did was Rickey Henderson, and he might even be a switch-hitter. As much as he talks, I would noticed if Rickey stuttered or not, and no such luck, so that theory goes out the door, but it is still amazing that Marty and I share that trait.)

I guess my problem with it was that I sometimes don't like the idea of a "stuttering community." If you look at a population like the Deaf community, they are a group of people who are born deaf and take a special pride in the fact that they communicate a different way. They have an entire culture that is just for them. I don't look at stuttering the same way, so it felt weird for me to hear about stuttering conferences, associations, cookouts, and even those LiveStrong knock-off bracelets that say "Be Heard." Maybe it is because there were no other people my age at the group meetings, or maybe it's because I'm 22 and still think I'm cool. Sometimes I would go to a meeting while at UMass and tell my roommates I was going to a "meeting for my program" just because I don't like the feeling of saying "Off to the stuttering support group! Welp, see you later!" I still enjoy going to meetings on occasion and since a chapter meets at Worcester State I plan on attending the next meeting, but I'm not going to any conference or cookout.

This is another conflict for me because as much as I consider myself to be very open about my stuttering, I hate being one of those people who brings up their problems for no reason, but maybe that's my 22-year-old male pride. This blog is the ultimate way for me to talk about it without feeling too forward. Some people have complimented me for the blog about how I am finally ready to talk about it, and while I appreciate it, I have always thought of myself as willing and able to talk about it, I'm just not in-your-face about it, so unless you ask me, I won't talk about it. The metaphor I use is that my stuttering is a tattoo: It's a permenant mark on my arm, right there to see if you just ask me to show it to you, but it isn't something I wear on my sleeve. As embarrassing as it can be, I do not like to hide it. It's one of the first things I want people to know about me because it eases some tension and confusion right away and frankly I think it makes me more interesting. If I talk to someone I don't know and they ask me if I am alright, start laughing, or have a confused look on their face, I just say "I stutter" and they understand.

..So this still ended up being pretty long. That's just how prolific a writer I am. I'm the Jay-Z of blogs, it just comes to my head and I spit it real. One-Take Hov? Try One-Take Griffty. Speaking of rap, next time I'm write about the fact that I love rap and hip-hop so much and how my stuttering might be a reason for that. Maybe it's because I don't even have to try to say G-G-G-G-G-G-Unit!....Christ that was a bad joke...Till next week

"Everybody knows, it sucks to grow up."

2005-10-01T11:42:00.000-04:00

So I’ve spent the first few entries beating my chest talking about how different I am compared to my childhood and teen years and how much I want to help other people in my position. It makes it seem as though I am completely unphased by my stuttering anymore, which is not true. Though I have made a lot of progress, there are still situations and environments that will always be painful for me, and I hope to shed some light on some of the pain that I have experienced. This entry is not as concise as I would like it to be, and it will skip around a little bit because I can’t decide what I want in and what I want to take out. (When I write my book as Dr. Patrick Liam Griffin, Ph.D., I’ll be able to afford an editor.)

My biggest fear is approaching someone. Approaching anybody for anything is rattling. I would rather give a speech in front of 20,000 people than walk up to a random person on the street and ask for the time. However, I am willing and able to approach people who would expect to be approached, such as people at information desks, fast-food lines, and situations of that ilk. I mentioned that I did an independent study about stuttering and I had to give out surveys to 100 people. One of the reasons I chose to do the study was because I thought it would help desensitize me to that type of situation. Of course I waited all semester until there was no time left to get most of them because it was so painful to go through with it. Even after psyching myself up and mustering the nerve to ask a person to fill out a survey and later thinking, "that wasn't so bad," it never got any easier and I hated every minute of it. I found it easier to approach a girl in that situation than a guy, because during the surveys girls seemed more understanding of what was happening. The look from the guys was more “dude, get away from me.” Though, approaching a girl at a bar is completely out of the question, but I just think that's a ridiculous concept anyway. Even if a beautiful girl is sitting at the end of the bar grilling me the entire night, I’m not going anywhere. I love going to bars, but when I’m there I just like to hang out. Hitting on someone just seems so awkward. Luckily sometimes the girl will get tired of waiting and come talk to me, and I like it that way. It is difficult to tell if that particular situation has anything to do with my stuttering, because I am a reserved person and there aren't many times I would do it regardless of fluency or not. In Swingers, Trent would always tell Mikey to be money and smooth-talk the girls at the bar, even though it just wasn’t in his personality to present himself that way. Though being Trent would be more fun, I’m more like Mikey. Besides, “smooth-talking” is literally the polar opposite of “stuttering.”

The most painful time of my life was when I was eleven years old. I attended a very intense (and very expensive) fluency clinic in Woburn, MA, called Fluency Shaping. The program lasted for 3 weeks, 8 hours a day during the summer between fifth and sixth grade. I had learned to take control of my stuttering by using all of the strategies that I wrote about in an earlier entry, to the point where I was 100% fluent the entire summer. I was so excited about my new future, and assumed that since I had learned what to do, I would never stutter again. When I went back to school in the fall, the new atmosphere of middle school caused me to completely fall apart. Since I was stuttering again I thought I had failed, and that made me feel terrible about myself and the way I spoke. It was such a letdown to think I was in control only to have it fall apart like that. I went into a shell in middle school that I didn’t come out of until the end of high school. Looking back, I wish there was more of a focus on the mental aspect of stuttering and being comfortable, especially at the age of eleven. I have heard that Fluency Shaping has modified their program to include more of mental strategies and confidence-building. It would be interesting to see how effective it would be now that I am older, confident, and more mature.

Another problem I face is the fact that it is not possible to focus on my fluency all the time, and what people will think of me if I continue to have problems. There are times when I am very motivated to practice and improve, but there are other times when I just want to be a regular guy and not worry about it. Think about how often you talk throughout the day, and try to think about what I said about how often you would need to speak slower and how important breathing is. Seriously, try it some time. Try it right now. It is impossible to focus 100%, 90%, or even 75% of the time, at least that is my experience. Sometimes I just want to talk like everyone else and be “normal,” because that’s what I am. The way I speak helps define who I am, but it is not the sole reason. If I am constantly thinking about the way I am talking, I am not listening to anyone else or pay attention to anything except that. I can fall into the trap that even though I am practicing all the time, still stuttering sometimes will be a failure. I feel that fluent speech can sometimes be a letdown because so much success can raise expectations and lead to perceived failure if you have a setback. When the Patriots lost to a very good Carolina team two weeks ago, I nearly jumped off a bridge. They have played so well the last 4 years that the loss was devastating. I had to remind myself of the great things they have done and not get wrapped up in one loss. That is what happens when a person who stutters puts so much emphasis on the physical act of being fluent and forgets that they will have setbacks. As I said before, stuttering has cyclical tendencies, and for me that cycle seems to be every two weeks. Do you ever wake up on a Monday and the week just has a different feel than the week before? For me that changes every two weeks. Maybe that’s my brain shedding its meninges or something, but it feels like every two weeks I am a different person. I can’t say it’s in direct relation to my fluency but I know my mood, my thoughts, and my schedule will affect it.

An SLP needs to understand that fluency is much different from other communication disorders such as voice or articulation problems. I have heard that professors here at Worcester State have been worried that my stuttering will affect my performance in class and in the clinic. I have to be careful not to immediately get defensive, because it is a legitimate concern. I would like to think that my openness about my disorder and my past will help them understand me better and realize that my stuttering will not be a problem at all, but an advantage. A 10-year-old male fluency client is going to respond to me more than he would for anyone else, and that is a guarantee. My favorite part of Good Will Hunting is when Will and Sean are on the park bench (before Will has opened up to him) and Sean smokes him by saying:

“…If I asked you about art, you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him: life’s work, political aspirations, him and the Pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling…”

Now I don’t quote that to be negative towards anyone (again, trying not to be defensive, here), I say it to reiterate my earlier point that my understanding of stuttering goes far beyond any book, any class, or any degree because I go through it every day. From my experience and the experiences of others who stutter, therapy is not always the best measure of progress, despite what any report says, and an SLP should not put as much emphasis on percentages and test scores as they would on a client’s self-confidence and emotional progress. I will be more proud of a fourteen-year-old client who has the courage to ask a girl on a date than I would if he is able to fluently produce some spontaneous speech sample to meet a behavioral objective. That’s just paperwork. With that said, I’m going to go watch Swingers and Good Will Hunting again.

The Beautiful Struggle

2005-09-20T17:33:00.000-04:00

First, I'd like to thank anyone who has taken the time and effort to IM me or leave comments. I really appreciate that people are taking the time to read and respond and I'm glad that people have enjoyed it. I'd also like to thank John Mayer for giving me the idea to re-name my blog "My Stupid Mouth." Why did I take four years to like John Mayer? The guy is one hell of a song writer. Anyway, thanks again to everyone. I know I said I was going to write about the difficulty of speaking in the real world as opposed to practice and clinic sessions, but I am going to talk about something much more important that I've been thinking about for a couple days.

I email back and forth with my friend Joe Klein, a professor at the College of St. Rose in Albany, New York, who I met at a support group meeting last year. He is an SLP who stutters and I recently asked him what his practice routine is and whether or not he felt more pressure to be fluent since he was an SLP. I figured he would have a very structured and detailed plan to make sure he was on all the time, but this is what he said:

"I guess my point is that, no, I don't have a routine. Other than to remind myself everyday that I am smart, capable, competent, and understand one communication disorder (stuttering) better than 99% of the SLPs in the world. And because of that, I need and deserve to be able to speak whenever and wherever I want to, and that if someone has a problem with the way that I speak that is their problem and not mine, and that it is up to me to educate them about it. The only time stuttering is truly a problem is if it is keeping you from saying what you would normally say."

His answer reinforces the truth about everything in life, not just the way that Joe and I speak: nothing is a problem unless you make it a problem. Stuttering only becomes a handicap if you let it affect your life. Everyone has a cross to bear, but the way to build character is if you can use the challenge you have been given to drive you to be a better person. That is where the beauty of life comes from. It is sappy and cliche, but a cliche becomes a cliche because it is a core truth about life. My purpose in life is not to speak fluently, but to overcome the fears and shame about the way I talk and to become a better, stronger person who will help others in my position to realize their own challenges. If I can enhance my communication and be a good role model of how to apply therapy in addition to changing the attitude, that’s even better. I continue to practice every morning and my speech has been up and down, but better than if I had not been practicing. I make sure to raise my hand or add comments at least five times a day during class. Toastmasters (the public speaking club) isn't going to happen this semester with my schedule the way it is, but over the winter I will make the effort. I've decided to try new things that don't necessarily have to do with speaking, but just to become a more well-rounded person (my bright ideas lately have included rapping, producing, learning sign-language, learning piano, learning how to box, and the big one: gathering enough material to eventually write a book. I figure between this blog and whatever else I write I can put something together in a few years to get to publishers. I know I'm a good enough writer. That's down the road but a good idea to start thinking about it now. You better pre-order it now because by 2012 it's gonna be out of stock).

Another concept that drives me is the fact I will have a son someday and he will most likely stutter, and I don't want him to go deal with stuttering the same way that I dealt with it. My dad gave me all the support, I just chose to ignore it. One of the things I admire the most about my dad (who also stutters) is that he has a very public job and is on TV all the time and doesn't seem too phased by his stuttering to let it stop him. He is known as the best town manager in Massachusetts, and keeps fixing town after town, probably yours next. I brag about my dad all the time, but it's only because I look up to him so much. I'm saving more on that for another column about why he is my hero.

Enough for now, stay tuned...

...extra point: I just spell-checked this and it said that "blog" is not a word....on blogspot.com...go figure.

Say What You Say

2005-09-10T15:22:00.000-04:00

Today's column is going to be about the way I physically manage my stuttering. There are other parts that I feel are more important in dealing with it, but this is probably the easiest to explain (plus I don't want to run out of things to write about this early) (I'm also going to try to break the record for use of parentheses to throw in asides in a single column, held by The Sports Guy in 2001):

Everything I do starts with diaphragmatic breathing. I hold my hand on my belly button and make sure that I am breathing slowly. In Dr. Mercaitis' Intro and Counceling classes, she would often start the hour with a 4-minute mini-meditation to the frustration of many. It's definitely not something I want to do in the company of other people. Corny? Yes. Weird and new-age? Yes. But a waste of time? Absolutely not. Correct breathing is the most important part of fluent speech. If I start off tight, I am not getting a single word out. Of course this is also a difficult thing to do in a real-life situation. I have to prepare thouroughly, so for phone calls and class presentations I have more time to relax and focus on my breathing. On-the-spot situations are much more difficult and therefore can be the most frustrating.

Breathing correctly is a difficult thing to do all the time. As you might have noticed, even if you don't try to breathe, your body will do it for you, so unless you train your body to breathe in a certain way you will go back to whatever you were doing. I try to take a couple minutes a day to focus on correct breathing in order to train myself to do it the right way. Of course, this is especially hard for me because I have been holding in my gut for the last 5 years to create the illusion of abdominal muscles. I can't decide which is more necessary. After all, if I'm cut up like Usher, who needs to talk? (Speaking of which, since I'm not stealing Ethan's food or ordering Wings every 4 hours, the washboard is coming along nicely...)

(That also reminds me of a quote from my friend Marty Jezer's book Stuttering: A Life Bound Up In Words, in which he talks about an anti-stuttering pill that he was testing that could have sexual side effects. He wrote, "What's more important: to not stutter, or to fuck?" This was one of my favorite quotes, especially for a book with minimal cursing. It is a great read for anyone, not just for people like us. Marty used to help lead the stuttering support group meetings at UMass that I attended, but he died of cancer several months ago. He was a great guy and a personal role model and he will definitely be missed by anybody that knew him. If you read his book you will know why.)

The other strategies I use regularly are called reduced rate and easy onset, and all that means is I talk slower in order to stay in control. If I can time both of these with breathing correctly, everything goes well. There is a diagram I look at to make sure that I am using good form. Picture a basic drawing of a mountain, so the two top lines of a triangle (If I could figure out how to put pictures in this damn thing, I'd draw it for you). The incline of that first line is inhaling, and the decline of the second line is the exhale. I am supposed to start vocalizing about a half-second down the decline to make sure that I have an open airway. When I practice I do that very slowly and focused to make sure I am using proper form. Just like a basketball player takes 100 foul shots during practice (well, a good player, like Larry Bird, not somebody like Charles O'Bannon). As in anything in life, practicing the fundamentals is the most important part. I practice by using recorded tracks I made on my computer where I just read sentences and random words (especially with sounds that I have the most difficulty with, such as /d/). The things I am saying are very basic, but it doesn't matter if I'm reading See Dick Run (hehehehe...), as long as I am using proper form.

So basically, that's what I do. There are other techniques that are out there, but as of now this is what works best for me. These are tried and true. Next time, on a completely different note, I'll talk about what situations are the hardest for me to transfer these techniques in to (and just how frustrating that can be).

"I wouldn't go to a physical therapist who couldn't walk."

2005-08-31T13:31:00.000-04:00

I have never understood how other people picked their career. I know people have interests and those lead to careers. Others go where the money is, and still others just have talent and intelligence in a specific area (because who could be legitimately interested in organic chemistry or physics? Seriously...). Sometimes I wish I had chosen something else, such as journalism or sports management (I can turn the Arizona Cardinals into Super Bowl champions in 2 years with roster moves alone in Madden), but ultimately I know I am in the right spot.

I think I am very fortunate to have a career choice that meets all three of those criteria: interest, talent, and the dollars. I have a legitimate personal interest in the field, I will be paid more than adequately for my services, and I believe in my heart that no other speech-language pathologist (outside of a person in a similar situation) would be a better candidate for a job than I would. In my situation, that's the level of confidence I need to have: nobody is going to be better qualified than me. I have the empathy necessary to understand the agony that a child can go through, but have enough sense to not let them dwell. They have to know that they will have slumps where your mouth, tongue, and chest feel tense and you can't get anything out no matter how much you practice. These slumps could last a day or a week, the important thing is to not give up because the results will come. Even if you have a rut, you need to keep stretching your comfort zone. I know enough to understand that the clinic environment is so sterile that it can be a trap because during a session, fluent speech comes so easily. I certainly know enough not to say "well, maybe you just aren't practicing enough." Empathy is the most difficult thing for someone to have, because you can never be in their position no matter how much you try. I have heard that in the graduate course on fluency, one of the assignments is to go out and stutter voluntarily in a public place in an effort to gain some understanding of that pain. A fluent person doesn't understand how it feels to be laughed at by a girl you are trying to talk to, or how much it hurts to be be hung up on while trying to make a phone call. I don't say this in an effort to gain sympathy or to make people feel bad for me, but those are situations that people take for granted. I am anxious to see how others respond to that, because believe me, it can be very, very painful.

The most difficult thing I am anticipating is how much of a role model I will have to be. I am in the unique position of having to practice what I preach every time I open my mouth. This is difficult because I am not 100% fluent all of the time, or any of the time. In high school, I practiced every morning with a tape recorder, a mirror, and a newspaper article to read aloud. I definitely reaped the benefits of the practice as my speech improved drastically. In college, I never practiced because of being in the vicinity of roommates and I have never been comfortable with that. That, and being caught up in college life took all of my motivation away. My lack of effort showed a lot because of the amount of trouble I had. I would use so many excuses as to why I wasn't fluent, including "I just haven't practiced lately," "I'm comfortable with my stuttering, that's the important thing," "As soon as I get home for the summer I'll practice," and so on. As my fluency showed, I never did. The typical goal for any type of speech therapy is 90% success, because 100% is not realistic. Lately I think I have been around 80-85%. That means I have to step it up and put more effort to get to that 90%. I practice every morning in the car on the way to work, and as soon as I start mowing fairways, I'll have my headphones and my home-made practice tracks and I can practice more at work. I also have to do things I would never have done in the past, including making more phone calls, taking more initiative with friends, and not avoiding any possible speaking situations. To think back to the point where I used to be, where I would have Ethan order my Wings, have Jaylynn order my coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, or have somebody lean over to talk to the drive-thru at Wendy's are depressing thoughts, and those are only changes I have made in the last year-and-a-half. I still have miles to go in regards to risk taking. I make all (well, almost all) of my own phone calls with little hesitation. I do all my own ordering in person and on the phone (just ask my Dad and he'll show you the credit card bill for Wings.....God, I haven't had Wings in a while....do you think they deliver to Worcester?) I am planning on joining the organization called Toastmasters which is more-or-less a public speaking club, I would like to be an officer for NSSHLA, and I would even like to do readings at church (assuming I start going to church up here).

Of course, these are all plans, and time will tell if I actually follow through with them, but I am trying my best, and I need support. I need to actually DO IT rather than talk about it. I cannot be static in terms of my progress. I have the blueprint in my mind of the kind of person I want and need to be in order to be successful in this field, and I'm lucky to have it figured out so early. I have no more excuses.

Introduction

2005-08-25T18:35:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start writing a blog again....and no, it won't be like last time (don't worry). This is mainly going to be a forum for me to talk about a part of my life that many of my friends know about, but don't fully understand: my stuttering. Most people know that I just graduated UMass with a degree in communication disorders, and that I am attending Worcester State College to get my master's in Speech-Language Pathology. I am often asked about my decision to get into this field. People ask me how I plan to help people who stutter (and other disorders) if I have one myself. As one person said to me, "If I had a broken leg, I wouldn't get physical therapy from a person in a wheelchair." Of course this is a valid question and one I anticipate having to answer often. It's a difficult thing to understand, and it something I struggle with. But I am going to try to answer as many questions about stuttering as I can, to hopefully shed some light on what I and others like me go through every time we open our mouths to speak. Here are some of the basics to get us started:

The cause of stuttering is unknown. There is no concrete theory about the cause of stuttering, despite theories about psychological damage, physical trauma, abusive parenting, or any of that bullshit. Most recent research shows that the brain is not wired correctly, but nothing is proven. However, a recent study in England has shown some evidence that the part of the brain known as the central sulcus is different in people who stutter than people who do not. Hopefully there will be more research into this new theory. There are also genetic factors (for those of you who do not know, my father also stutters, as does my cousin Griffin) that play a role.

Stuttering has no (negative) effect on a person's intelligence. I did an independent study for some credits last year about students' opinions on stuttering. At first I didn't think anything of it, but upon getting the results I was shocked to see how little people really know about it or how to react to someone who stutters. The most unexpected response I recieved concerned stuttering lowering a person's intelligence. The is something that couldn't be farther from the truth, as Charles Darwin, Winston Churhill, King Charles I, Isaac Newton, and I can attest. That is just stupid. Do you have any idea how fast I can do the Collegian crossword puzzle?!

I am not necessarily nervous. While it is very common that my stuttering increases when I am nervous, it is not always the case. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me to "relax" or "take my time". I know you are just trying to be polite, but to me it as if you are saying "don't be nervous, there's nothing to be afraid of," which presupposes that I am actually afraid. This can lead to actual nervousness and a self-esteem hit. I understand that is the stereotype, but this weblog is my first step to changing that. If you speak to me or any other person who stutters, be patient and maintain eye contact. Thanks.

Stuttering cannot be cured, but it can be improved. There are many techniques to improve fluency, several of which I use regularly. There are techniques for diaphragmatic breathing, reducing the rate at which I speak, and lengthing the first syllable of a word can all be useful. Unfortunately there is no magic pill yet. There are several devices on the market which claim to improve fluency, including one I own called a Speech-Easy. The Speech-Easy uses two types of technology called Delayed Auditory Feedback (DAF) and Frequency Altered Feedback (FAF) in an ear piece that resembles a hearing aid. It works by using a microphone that picks up your voice and replays it a fraction of a second later with either a higher or lower frequency. This works because of the "choral effect" which is the reason why a person who stutters will not have trouble while saying the Pledge of Allegience, for example. The Speech-Easy is useful for many people, but for others it is not as effective. It works better for p-p-p-people w-w-w-who s-s-s-stut-t-t-t-er i-i-i-n a rep-p-p-petit-t-t-t-ive m-m-m-m-anner because it keeps the speech flowing. However, for someone like me who has trouble at the start of a sentence before I can even get a sound out, it is not as effective. Therefore, my Speech-Easy sits unused for the most part (especially since it needs to be repaired). Other bugs include the constant background noise and feedback that can be distracting. Since the microphone picks up all sounds, not just my voice, there is constant noise in my ear. After I first got my device 2 years ago, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend when she sneezed. She had a very high voice, so when she sneezed and the microphone picked it up, my head nearly exploded. Needless to say, the Speech-Easy is a work in progress and I am optomistic.

So, those are some basics about stuttering. I plan on writing frequently in this to talk about more. In the meantime, whether you are a friend of mine or just a random person reading random blogs, I encourage you to comment on this entry and share your thoughts. Also, if somebody out there is clever I need a good title for this. This is not just an excuse to harness my unused writing talent, this is the first step for me really trying to promote awareness about stuttering, and I have many ideas in the works (maybe a podcast in the future?...) I am a future speech-language pathologist and if I am going to be a good one, I need to start doing my job now. Thanks for reading, and tell your friends.